little scars

to mom / on losing friends

2006-10-28T20:14:00.000+07:00

Darlings, there will come a time when a sissy gay boy just needs to:

talk his feelings to Mommy Dearest and get a pep-talk from the only woman in his heart
get rid of the people who have messed around with his fabulous aura

Those two people, Darlings, are my former boyfriend and my former best-friend. Yes, my former best friend since 2001. I guess you all know how the plot went on, right?

I don't give a damn if you guys fuck each other brains out or stay just as friends, because it's your right to be happy. It is your right to look at me like a childish being enraged by blind jealousy, naive and unforgiving.

But it is also my right to be happy, stay alive, and keep my sanity.

And for getting rid of you, I am celebrating with a bottle of bittersweet Cristal Brut champagne while listening to Tina Turner's When The Heartache is Over and I Don't Wanna Fight. Doctor's orders while healing these double backstabbing wounds.

Cheers, Darlings.

Here's to Mom, my Wonder Woman:

Open Arms
~Tina Turner~

Ask me no questions
I'll tell you no lies
Come to me when you're down
I'll give you friendly advice

I'll be your avenue, your trusting ear
Release your deepest secrets
I'll be sincere
It's an age old situation

There's nothing to fear
Whatever life throws at you
Your friend is here
Right by your side

When love leaves you cold
Lies have been told
I will be there with my open arms
Hurting inside

Please don't hide the pain
I will be there with my open arms
I know what you're saying
I been there myself

Promises withstand
They left me for someone else
Then the tables turn
A lesson I had to learn

I can't put my fingers cuz
Girls, my fingers have been burned
It's an age old situation
The message is clear

Whatever life throws at you
Your friend is here
Right by your side

monologues

2006-10-22T02:05:00.000+07:00

Same taxi pool. Same route home. Only you bought one withered red rose from a girl in veil who sold flowers for .05 Euros two years ago.

What time was it two years ago? 23.00? And what time was it? 20 minutes ago?

A withered red rose. The prize for loneliness. Where is the veiled girl now? Probably already away in a village in Indonesia celebrating Eidul Fitri.

Same taxi pool. Same car. Same push on the gas pedal when you dropped them off, Yuska. What was it? Up to 30 km/hour without changing to the second speed? Getting your engines roaring.

You were trying hard not to look back and you succeeded. Never knowing what direction the two-years-ago was heading and the 20-minutes-ago was heading.

The two-years-ago? You don't know and you don't want to care anymore. But the anger and the pain live on.

The 20-minutes ago? That's more complicated.

Was it the same taxi that the two-years-ago and 20-minutes-ago used? Probably. What a coincidence.

Different taxi pool. The 20-minutes-ago guy kissed me. 3 months ago. On my birthday.

And the thoughtful gifts you gave them, Yuska. What? A wallet to replace the old, weary one for the two-years-ago and a rosary for the 20-minutes-ago?

A rosary. You bought it in Notre Dame de Paris. In the same church where you prayed for his happiness.

Did you mention about your happiness too?

Surely you said that watching him being happy would make you happy too, right? One of the oldest cliches. And yet, you feel that feeling in your guts. Not butterflies. Probably some are butterflies. But what are the others?

Did the lump of stone you tried to swallow earlier make it down your throat and into your digestive systems? Are the systems trying to digest it now? Is it the one? That feeling?

Forget the two-years-ago. You didn't even cry for him.

But you did for this 20-minutes-ago. Like the night when Mommy Dearest knocked the teak door of your room terrifyingly asking why you were crying eventhough you tried to die the sobbing down by pushing the pillow to your face?

Like tonight. When you cried while speeding down the driveway. Going somewhere between 80 km/hour and 120? Asking for guidance from a fairy tale character created from the minds of Hans Christian Andersen.

The ever-so-lonely Little Mermaid.

A character so familiar to you, right? A character you often identify yourself with, other than the ugly duckling. What did the Little Mermaid do?

Did she got lost in her dreams? In her fantasies? In her love?

She gave everything she had in exchange to a human life, to just see and get a glimpse of the human male she had longed for. And when she did see him, she had to give even more.

Sure, there were options. To claim the love that she might have never had, or just go back, knowing that the little scars would still be there for the rest of her long life.

But instead, she wished her human male and his wife a peaceful farewell and kept the wars inside her heart. And ended her life. The Gods, as wise as they are, turned the princess of the sea into the princess of the winds.

Princess, were you that gentle breeze that kisses my sweaty forehead on hot sleepless summer nights? Princess, were you that wind that helped my airplane stay flying safely to Paris and back? Princess, were you that cool air that nano-secondly dried my tears after the 20-minutes-ago left?

How many times are you going to repeat Gracie Hart's line from Miss Congeniality 2 of knowing "how it feels to get hurt and feel your heart get ripped open because you finally took a chance on that relationship and it ended up confirming your worst fears that you aren't worth loving or worth caring about"?

Or Ultraviolet's view that "these moments, as beautiful as they are, they're evil when they're gone"?

And yet you went all swooned up when you saw Lake House or The Simpsons when Seymour Skinner got it going with Edna Krabbapel.

You went all swooned up when you listened to your friends talking about their relationship and wondered why you had none.

You can listen to Anggun's Juste Avant Toi 200 times and still go back to zero when you put on Frank Sinatra's Embraceable You and realized that the only one you can slow dance with is your imaginary friend.

Your imaginary friend whom you created out of loneliness and despair. Nobody would know about this thing.

The 20-minutes-ago. Will it be the last time? Did you really mean it when you replied to his thank you message? How about the jealousy? Will you keep the war to yourself? He has too much to think about. Your nagging will only make it worse, right?

Like Tori Amos, you that that "it could be / a life-long thing / but I didn't know that we / we could break our silver-lining" and that you're "so sad / like a good book / I can't put this / day-back / a sorta fairy tale with you".

Another picture with you inside the frame. Slowly (or fastly?) fading. Until you're there no more. Isn't it always like that with you?

Fading.

Until you're there no more, Yuska. No matter how intense you deal with self-mutilation or self-mangling or self-slicing. It's just going to help you fade away quicker.

Fading.

friends forever / at 17

2006-10-07T22:55:00.000+07:00

It's Ramadhan here in Indonesia (being the country with the biggest muslim population in the world). Our muslim friends celebrate the month by fasting the whole day, starting from the dusk until dawn.

In the dawn, they break the fasting (hence the word "breakfast", I suppose). And we have this get-together tradition that has been going on for years. We usually have a rendezvous once every two months, and this time, it is also to break the fast.

And it was a nice time. It felt like Christmas, when I can get together with the people I love. Although this time, not many people came, but it was fun.

We chatted a while, laughing so hard that, had it been indoor, we would be kicked out. But thank goodness it was outdoor, so no one complained (to our faces). And suddenly, it hit me that most of the times, we were discussing things like our jobs and marriage (yes, one of our friends just got married secretly!! But she promised to throw a party on the 18th).

And I don't know... I felt a bit depressed at that time. I mean, how time really flies by. One day I got accepted at the best university in Indonesia, proving to myself and others that I am quite intelligent. And from that day forward, I met the people who eventually became my good friends and compadres for four years and more. Until now. It was the year 2000.

Six years ago.

And now we're talking over dinners about our past, present, and future. What the mysteries of time (and God) hold for us. What we will be in the near future and not-so-near future.

Each of us have problems. With work, with love... And that night we poured our hearts out to each other and sort of prayed for each other.

And that's what friends are for, right?

That's what friends are for.

I heard this song in The Simpson's. It was a very catchy sad song. So I decided to share it with you. After all, this is the little scars. I haven't been writing any scars for the last few months.

Oh, and I am so sorry for not being able to post the Burberry Golf jacket and Burberry sling bag I bought... yet.

Believe me, I'm definitely going to put their photos here.

At Seventeen
~Janis Ian~

I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens
And high school girls with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired

The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone

Who called to say come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems
At seventeen

A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
said, Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve

The rich relationed hometown queen
Married into what she needs
A guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly

Remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
Indebentures of quality
And dubious integrity

Their small town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received
At seventeen

To those of us who know the pain
Of valentines that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball

It was long ago and far away

The world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free
To ugly duckling girls like me

We all play the game and when we dare
To cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown

That call and say, come dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
At ugly girls like me
At seventeen

where have you been?

2006-09-30T22:27:00.000+07:00

DARLINGS!!!

Please do forgive me for not being able to blog for a long time. I know all of you missed me (you'd better nod your head or I won't flash some more of those glamouring glitzes that describe Le Felin).

Anyhoo, things have been going a bit crazy since I last blogged. And I am going to share to you some things that I have been through (or bought).

SUMMER IN PARIS

Oui, oui, J'ai visité Paris. Et elle est tres chic! Elle est ma cité! I didn't want to leave that bloody place. I only went there for a week. And yes, I did cover most of the exciting parts (just like when I have sex): the magnificent Louvre, Notre Dame, St. Sulpice, Sacre Coeur, Church of Mary Magdalene, Arc de Triomphe, Eiffel, Place de Concorde... It was the most beautiful birthday gift.

Ever.

I turned 23 on July 25th and we shot straight to Paris on the 29th.

I stayed in a hotel sur Les Champs-Elysées. Walking distance to St. Germain (well, not too walking distance, but still it was worth the goddamn thing), went to all the Dior shops, including the one in Galeries Lafayette, Avenue Montaigne, everywhere, to find this Dior Flight cuff. And I didn't find it!!! Goddamn it.

But I did find a consolation price.

I already bought this totally funky Vivienne Westwood cellphone strap in Galeries Lafayette, but of course, I just HAD to buy something from Dior, right? I mean, it's Paris!

And then, my Dad made it even worse by buying this one-of-a-kind fountain pen at the legendary Point Plume.

In Paris, I became the all-time translator, earning many complements from the French (oh yes, I am totally proud of this fact).

Anyway, we went to Point Plume and I think this is the main reason why Dad agreed to go to Paris in the fist place. He was actually eyeing for a certain piece from the pen-maker Montegrappa. The name of the pen is Sophia.

Yes, Sophia as in "wisdom" as in the Da Vinci Code "sophia". It was a freakishly beautiful piece of pen with detailed carving of the Rosetta Stone. Dad went for the Silver pen. With me translating whatever the saleslady said.

And you know what, the pen was a one-and-only-display-only-prototype pen. It is usable, but it was the first of its kind: Number Zero.

Not number one, not number two, but Number Zero.

Of course the Sales Lady told us that she would have to send it to Dad, but you know, it's Indonesia we're talking about. The pen could get lost!

And so we left the store, I left my cellphone number and the hotel phone number to her. She promised to call to find out the solution.

While we were walking sur St. Germain, I had a phone call. And guess what? It was the Lady. Telling me that Dad could buy the prototype.

And you know how much the it cost? 2,100 freakin Euros.

Well, as long as Dad's happy.

This is the pen.

I simply bought a gold Bastet pin in Louvre, red and black Burberry Golf wind-proof jacket, and a Dior Flight cellphone strap.

Oh, and we went on First Class Flight. Champagne and everything.

Bottoms Up!

ANANDA SUKARLAN

Do you know Ananda Sukarlan? Yeah... He's that world-class international pianist from Indonesia. He now resides in Spain. He went to Jakarta for my hotel's Corporate Party (oh it was a blast!)

He played 7 songs and he was just so sweet and so nice! I was present in most of his interviews with the media and I learned so much about life from his points of views. Mostly about love.

He's one of the people who believe in love that transcends everything.

Here's my picture with him.

You know what? We went to the same school, and we both like Star Trek and I was the only one who noticed it when he played Jurassic Park's theme.

Obviously, I was flattered that he sent me this message on the night he flew back to Spain: "Dear Ucha (that's my nickname), it's been very nice knowing you. You are a very sensitive and kindhearted person. I wish you all the best for your future".

Sounds like a break-up message, right?

Oh well.

Mr. Sukarlan, if you're reading this, thank you. I literally burst into tears when I got your message that night. My relationship was going so bad and your words were like heaven-sent.

SPLURGING AGAIN - ELECTRONIC EDITION

Let's see...

Before going to Paris, I bought... these:

Seriously, the last one was a blast. I brought the Motorola D&G to Paris, and Parisians were asking me all the time about it.

I felt like a Diva.

LUNA PLEINA TUANAKOTTA

Anyway, to close everything off, I am going to show you this picture.

Yes, it's Luna. The rescued kitten. Isn't she adorable?

Nite, everyone!

any updates?

2006-05-21T20:18:00.000+07:00

Oh shit! Like, I feel like the last time I blogged was a year ago.

Okay, so I went to TIESTO's Asian Tour *shit, if only I wasn't that tired, I could dance my ass of all night and get this guy's phone number. Yeah right*.

That's just about it. Nothing more, nothing less.

I went to see Da Vinci Code last night and thought it was cool, but I like the book better. I read the book in 2004 while I was doing my final assignment project to graduate. I would be typing away or making designs from 19.00 until 03.00 in the morning, and since I can't sleep without reading books or comics first, I grabbed Dad's copy of Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code from his library.

It was a mistake.

I ended up sleeping at 06.00 in the morning and then went to see my professor with droopy eyes.

Ah, it was the best period of my life...

But life goes on, right?

Oh, and I got 283 for my Computer Based TOEFL. Thanks for all the prayers, guys... 283 is kind of high. The highest score is 300. So yeah, I'm proud of myself.

Now, to get my boss to fill in my letter of reference!

And I just made a Milla Jovovich tee. It costs only 4 GBP at Plaza Semanggi. I designed the graphic and then have the photo printed and ironed to my tee. Since I want graphic to be printed on the black tee, it cost me 4 GBP. But if you want to have the picture printed on a white tee, it would cost 3.2 GBP. Kind of neat, huh?

And the wallpaper version of the tee-shirt made it to www.millaj.com!

I went to Hard Rock Cafe with B & L last Friday and as usual, it was bland. I did dance on the table, though... I met my friends at work and we joined in, including this friendly *and cute* guy I've been very friendly with *giggles*.

And of course, I wore the new tee!

When I dropped B off to his usual drop-off place, I saw a kitten wandering, sniffing the sidewalks, I think she was hungry. So I went down the car, took her, and put her inside the car and I drove home.

She has white fur, with a black tail and a hint of black on her right ear.

I name her Luna Pleina Tuanakotta, meaning full moon (Tuanakotta's my last name). I found her when the moon was full, on Waisak day.

Apparently, her jaw is wounded, so I've been taking her to the veterinarian regularly. Wish her luck, okay? She's now 10 weeks old.

She's been sleeping with me, cuddling up in my arms and she's been very very clingy and yet so mischievous. And in a way, she's my lucky charm.

I'll put up her picture soon.

One last thing before I sign off. I walked out of church today. The priest was bullshitting about islam and I just couldn't take it. I found it extremely irritating that such a leader should talk that way and ignite even more flame among religious groups.

Okay, so I usually stay for the whole sermon although it's shitty because I think it's some kind of paying off my debts to God. But tonight, bleh... I'd rather go home.

So there.

good friday

2006-04-14T11:01:00.000+07:00

I don't know how it happened.

Another one of my cats has just died.

Mimi Anastacia Tuanakotta.

What is happening? I'm slumping deeper and deeper to misery here.

I can't wait until the day God takes me with Him.

splurging again? (chapter ii)

2006-03-30T21:38:00.000+07:00

Ookkkayyy. There goes my so-called Financial Plan.

I went to Plaza Senayan with B tonight (oh, by the way, Happy New Icaka Year 1928 to all my Hindu friends out there). And we went round and round and round and entered (almost) all the boutiques, including Esprit (always my favourite) and I didn't find anything!

Upon entering the parking lot, I realized that I didn't bring my shoes (so I had to go all the way back home... and that's not the first time in my life).

And so, I bought... a 334 GBP Dior Flight small pochette.

I know, I know. But it was so right there, waiting for me to take it home. And it's gorgeous!

B lost count on the number of people who watched with envy and rage at my big, fat, white, Dior shopping bag!!!

It's not a splurge. It's an investment. Well, at least that's what I call it.

I went to watch Ultraviolet again last Sunday with B and L. It was ultracool, ultraslick, and ultravogue-ish (minus the fur).

There's a job interview on Monday (yeah, hopefully I'll be leaving soon). So, wish me luck?

cajun creole creation

2006-03-22T23:49:00.000+07:00

I just made this as the main image for my hotel's bar's promotional collaterals, and it got rejected *sigh*.

Anyway, I've made another one and it is green-lighted. More of my illustrations at my personal homepage: OuiC'estChic!com

Laterz.

j'aime les samedis!

2006-03-19T15:18:00.000+07:00

(that's French for "I love Saturdays!")

Mon dieu, I just re-enrolled in another french class. This time it's conversation class. How I miss those days and of course, my friends.

I joined because of a friend who constantly provoked me to join, join, and join. So I joined! I paid 43 GBP for the class. There are only two guys in the class (another friend of mine and he's so not my type), and the teacher, who is tres vieux and again, not my type.

Anyhoo, it was fun! It was exciting! Even the vintage teacher knows how to make jokes!

And, the fun didn't stop there. I went to see Ultraviolet with Pandu! Mon Dieu, it was so cool!!! I'm gonna watch it again! It's so comical and I love the ending. I'm a comic freak and a hardcore fan of Jovovich, so of course I'm saying it's Supercool... Wait, I mean, ULTRAcool!.

Plus, it's one woman against a whole fleet of men. Now that's something.

Okay, exactly, what am I writing? I'm like, so euphoric and hyperventilating of all the excitements this Saturday.

Last thing, haha... Last words...

I find nicely toned (and big) arms attractive. And therefore, I find these two guys attractive.

The first one: Kevin Sites. Caucasian. War journalist (can it get hotter than that??? My God, look at his arms!! And I so love the messy hair. Makes me want to sit on his lap, facing him, giving him hot, chewy, wet kisses, grinding on his groin and playing with his hair).

The second one: Paradorn Srichaphan. Asian. Tennis player (just look at the color of his skin, his pecs, his arms... *drools* I'm so in love).

Oh, well... I'd better be off. I'm so sleepy.

Need to go to church at 19.00 tonight. 3 1/2 more hours.

1,000 oceans

2006-02-28T23:01:00.000+07:00

I want to write so much.

I came home, browsed the internet, and Mom suddenly asked me, "Is that Heidi on your computer's wallpaper?"

I said yes. And I noticed there was something wrong with Mom. She was shaken.

I asked her what was going on.

And she told me that Heidi had died earlier. Roadkill.

I can't believe this. I didn't burst into tears. I asked her where she was burried and she took me there: our front lawn.

I sat there until Mom took me inside. I didn't cry.

I went into the shower, and I cried. Remembering that it was just this morning... JUST THIS VERY DAMN MORNING that she was outside the bathroom on the mat outside the bathroom...

She was waiting for me. She was there, sitting, waiting. And I went passed her, patted her for a while and then I went to work since I was late.

And that was the last time I saw her. Forever.

I cried more in the shower and I remembered Mom was sitting in the living room alone, still crying. I quickly showered and went straight to Mom. I wanted to hug her, but in the end, it was she who was hugging me.

I am the only one who is really close to Mom. We took Poussy (God rest her soul) to the vet's together on the day she died, we burried Poussy together, and we cried together. Just the two of us.

And I wanted to be there with Mom to comfort her. And I don't want that moment to just go away. We were both crying together again, this time for another precious cat. This time it was for Heidi.

So yes, "I'm aware what the rules are, but you know that I would run, you know that I will follow you..."

And I will follow you, Heidi.

"I can't believe that I would keep, keep you from flying, so I would cry, 1,000 more tears if that's what it takes to sail you home."

I will always think of her, as a cat in Rainbow Bridge, who will quickly join the "in" crowd, possibly ruling as the new Queen Bee. Since she's got this Divaish attitude, you know.

And Jesus would call her name to no avail. Hehe... But then I'd be there, finally, that'd be when she'd stop playing and hear my calling and we'd be together again, along with Poussy, and all the other cats.

Poem For Cats
~Anonymous

And God asked the feline spirit
Are you ready to come home?
Oh, yes, quite so, replied the precious soul
And, as a cat, you know I am most able
To decide anything for myself.

Are you coming then? asked God.
Soon, replied the whiskered angel
But I must come slowly
For my human friends are troubled
For you see, they need me, quite certainly.

But don't they understand? Asked God
That you'll never leave them?
That your souls are intertwined.
For all eternity?
That nothing is created or destroyed?
It just is....forever and ever and ever.

Eventually they will understand,
Replied the glorious cat
For I will whisper into their hearts
That I am always with them
I just am....forever and ever and ever.

Until we meet again, Little Miss Heidi Amelia Tuanakotta.

sunday contemplation

2006-02-26T20:28:00.000+07:00

Just got back from church. The sermon was actually kind of nice, and there was this really hunky hunk sitting next to me (B sat to my right) and boy, this hunk had a tight grip! Ow, Daddy!!!

Anyway, while the priest was preaching, I had a flash of thought (this kind of thing usually occurs either when I'm taking a poop or sitting through church).

My little mind said, "Hey, Jesus always teaches that the ones who are alienated, confined, taken away, tortured, lonely, meek are the ones who inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, right? In other words, Jesus's teaching is about salvation for minority and people who are outcasts.

"Christianity is such a big religion now, a huge one, with more and more people embracing it.

"But it seems that the now larger-than-life Christianity has forgotten about their past and how they bloomed in adversity (by being the religion of outcasts) and now they begin blasting and bashing out minority groups, namely homosexuals."

Now that's not fair, is it?

Excuse me, I'm a Christian, and Christianity does have a bad history: wars against other religions - witch hunts (remember Jeanne d'Arc?) - crusades, etc.

It just seems like when Christianity has gained power, it turns its back against the minority, when it used to be one.

And that's just ironic.

And about bisexuals. Yes, I hate bisexuals. Let's just say that I am a bisexophobe. I don't mind them as friends. I have many bisexual friends and I'm okay with them, but not when they're going in for the kill.

I always look at love as an investment. I wouldn't save my money to a bad bank, would I? Just the same with boyfriends. I wouldn't want to give my love to someone who is incapable of giving it back. And that's what happened to bisexuals.

Sure, the sex is great since they're all manly and commanding. But have you ever stopped to think about the future? Is he capable of loving you until one of you dies? Until your body has turned grotesquely icky that sex is the last thing on either of your minds?

People say that homosexuality is all about sex. I don't agree. Bisexuality is all about sex.

And it is unfortunate for homosexuals to have a (desperate) relationship with a bisexual who will leave him in the end to get married to a woman.

In Indonesia, it is more convenient to be bisexual, even only as a masquerade. You can have homosexual relationship(s) and run away from being stigmatised by getting (proper) marriage to a woman. Problem solved. You can still have fun and a bright future.

That is why I hate bisexuals. And Heaven forbid that I will ever sleep with one.

Which is why I always remind my gay friends not to have sex with bisexuals or worse: married bisexuals.

Let's be reasonable and not give the satisfation that they shouldn't have.

So Ladies, watch your Man. If he turns out to like dicks, better not give your pussy.

La Fleur's grandmother passed away today. Hugs to you, Girl.

(belated) valentine's day message

2006-02-26T03:29:00.000+07:00

I spent my Valentine's evening with media. I was very ill but the mission was accomplished.

Last night, I went out with my friends from church, B+L. After I dropped off L at her house, I drove to drop off B at his. And we chatted.

He told me about his relationship that there was no communication whatsoever going on and that his current boyfriend is always on the go.

If you're having a relationship, communication is important. And constantly being there is also important. Long distant relationship is just crappy.

And then he told me about his boyfriend (J) being so in-the-closet that this guy doesn't event want anyone to know about his relationship with B. Of course, B told me (he's such a friend). And J was angry. Well, more like "disappointed" (his word).

Personally, I can't date someone who's hiding. It's not like being gay a stigma or whatever. It was, but it's not right now.

Even if it still is, I'm gonna be on the front line, fighting for my right to be treated equally, to love and be loved equally, to have sex equally.

If I'm gonna have a boyfriend and a relationship, I want it to be as publicised as possible. No cover-ups, nothing. Which means, he has to be a) out; b) really gay, not bisexual.

B then let out a long sigh and rhetorically asked why should there be handsome men with bastardic attitude and why should there be not-your-type men wih really galant attitude. I sighed.

And he asked me who would I choose to be with: the bastardic hunk or the galant monkey?

I replied, with all my heart, "None. I'd rather be with myself."

It's raining now and it's so damn cold. I think I'm gonna snuggle up under the blanket. Happily cherishing my single life.

"Be Careful with My Heart"
~ written by Madonna, Ricky Martin, & William Orbit

Be careful with my heart
You could break it
Don't take my love for granted
Things could change

Sometimes I go insane
I played the fool and you'll agree
I'll never be the same
Without you here with me

Cuidado (please be careful)
Con mi corazón
Me siento algo desnuda
Cuidado (please be careful)
Es mi corazón
Mi corazón

Be careful with my heart
You could break it
Don't take my love for granted
Things could change

Sometimes I go insane
I played the fool and you'll agree
I'll never be the same
Without you here with me

Cuidado (please be careful)
Con mi corazón
Carino no me lastimes
Cuidado (please be careful)

Es mi corazón
Mi corazón

If I could reach out to you/Nothing will stop me
Take your head in my hands/Tell me what would you do
Kiss your eyes, sing you to sleep/Your voice sounds like a lullaby
Here's my heart, this time to keep/Here's my heart to keep

financial planning

2006-02-25T22:04:00.000+07:00

OHMIGOD!!!

I almost didn't blog at all for February! Thank goodness for a wake-up call I got from the Toujours Fabuleuse La Fleur.

I hope you enjoy the new lay-out, and yes, it is ME in the picture above, and that is MY body (with just a few editing and retouching) and that is MY face. I don't have a cat tattoo, though, and I do have hairy legs.

There are several other parts of me that are hairy too. Some are private. *wink*

2006 is the year of sexual revolution.

Anyway, so it's going for second month in this new year of 2006. Many things happened, including a payment that got out of hand. Yes, yes, I'll talk about this here.

But first of all, let me share with you about my financial planning.

You see, I'm saving a lot for college. Yes, I'm going to continue my studies abroad, somewhere in the next two to three years (wish me luck, aight?).

So, I'm utilising my Microsoft Excel to do some really simple accounting and financial controlling. I've been limiting my meals, travels (to save money on gas), leisures (clubbing, shopping, going to the movies, DVD hunting, etc) and the result?

I'm still surviving (although I miss shopping a lot), but I'm okay.

Sure, there are some spending that are classified as "miscellaneous", but I think February's a month of spending, so, it's no biggy. I've saved a lot, and I'm going to do that at least until the end of this year (Christmas shopping has to be a big bang!)

Now, about the freakin payment.

Okay, so like, I got into a deep shit (not too deep and not too smelly) last year. In around October 2005. I was doing the payment for an advertisement we placed in a magazine.

First, we have to fill in a cheque-requisition form (name/address/bank account number of the magazine, and the specifications of the advertisement plus the amount of money needed to be paid).

And then the form needs to be signed by five people: my boss, my boss's boss, assistant financial controller, financial controller, and finally by the GM himself.

Imagine, FIVE friggin people and still they've overlooked the mistake I've made. I mean, hello, I even put the date wrong! I put it 2004 (which was like two years ago or one year before I filled in the form). The payment went to another magazine.

The P Magazine to which we're supposed to pay told us that we were late in paying them (happened in November 2005). Of course I got blasted by my boss, and I thought it was finished when the accounting people told us communications people that they would handle it.

Guess what? In January, the P magazine called us and told us that they still hadn't received the payment.

That time, I was too fed up (and at that time, I was made aware that it was I who filled in the form - I didn't remember at the beginning) to answer back and took matters to my own hand.

Bla bla bla, the solution was proven unsuccessful and my boss had to know this. She didn't get mad at me, and she was actually very supportive. Even when I told her that I was going to buy the P Magazine a cake, she told me to raise a cake voucher of friggin FIVE KILOGRAMS (which I delivered to the magazine with a lot of hardwork, thanks to my superior).

All in all, everything was fine, but I need to check again to the accounting department whether it has been paid or not (for chrissake, it's been another three weeks! They've probably finished eating the cake by now).

I was about to write that, but I got too busy (we lost our art designer so sometimes I had to stay up late doing this, taking photos, and everything...)

Oh, and did I tell you that my hotel won two awards in January and another one in February?

Yaayy!!!

I've gotta stop now. I'm gonna post another posting, tomorrow.

I'm still sick! I've got bad coughs.

Ultraviolet's out on 3 March 2006!

splurging again?

2006-01-15T22:40:00.000+07:00

Well, probably not splurging, since it "only" cost me less than 70 GBP (Great Britain Poundsterling).

I bought a little Lady Dior keychain... *gasps*.

Oh, come on. It's not *that* expensive. Not as expensive as the Braun Buffel wallet I bought for Mom. Money is not an object.

Yeah right.

It was full moon and I just needed something.

I went to Plaza Senayan with B (he just found another true love. Let's just hope that this time it's for real). And I went to the Christian Dior boutique. The cuff was still not there yet, so I made up my mind and bought the keychain instead.

And carrying the little paper bag containing the trinket made me dare enough to actually go inside Louis Vuitton (where I found the awesome Globe Shopper Cabas, which is so not affordable since it's USD 1,200 something, shown in the picture is the MM version). But that's it! I don't think I'm *that* interested in Louis Vuitton.

Next stop was Prada (yaay!!). I could finally enter that store, which put up surprisingly cheap stuffs. I mean, well, not that cheap, but you know, like wayyy below Louis Vuitton.

The Prada bags were not that cool, though. I saw cooler designs at Esprit (with lower price), and the shoes were also not that nice, so we went out.

And to add to that nice night, B and I went out clubbing. Of course, we were trying to drag along L, but she had so many things to do so she declined.

We went to a new club called Babyface. It's really, really nice.

Babyface
Gedung Djakarta Theater, 2nd floor
Jl. MH Thamrin no. 9
Jakarta Pusat 10340
Phone: (62 21) 3192 5808
Fax: (62 21) 3192 4101
E-mail: babyface@nzn.co.id

The crowd was a bit shy, but since the music was great, soon people started dancing. It cost you IDR 60 thous (app. USD 6) to enter.

And then we went home. I slept until really late in the afternoon when I got a message from La Fleur that the Grandma of one of our best friends just passed away.

This really best friend of mine is... well, what can I say... A really best friend. We fought our ways together to a shining A to be able to graduate.

I didn't go to her house (which was so far away from mine and I got wiped out thanks to the night before, for sure) and I only sent her an SMS message expressing my condolences. I'm just not good at consoling people.
And by not visiting her at a time when she probably needed me more than other times, clearly showed my selfishness (I traded that with sleeping, thinking that I'd probably be lost anyway since I only drove to her house once and it was in the dead night so I couldn't tell which road is which).

So, yes. That's probably why men can't keep up with me and why I don't have that many friends.

Have you heard about Cy, the one-eyed kitten? The photo is not a hoax. She was born but only survived for one day. Animals born with that kind of condition have no eyelids (kittens are born with closed eyes until approximately fourteen days, Cy's eye is still not closed although he has died) and don't have either a mouth or a nose. Cy didn't have a nose.

The good news is that the other two kittens (Cy's siblings) are alive and well. Another kitten has gone to the Rainbow Bridge. This time, it's a special kitten.

Lastly, there're two highly anticipated movies for January and February: Emma Thompson's "Nanny McPhee" and Milla Jovovich's "Ultraviolet".

Being a drop-dead fan of Thompson's, I am so not gonna miss this one! And there's this cute Colin Firth in it too. My God, he's so gorgeous. I definitely want to sleep with him.

Another picture from Jovovich's Ultraviolet has leaked out, and it's supercool.

I can't wait till February!

heaven & hell

2006-01-09T20:44:00.000+07:00

I was going on my born-again streak and saw this daily guide book of chapters & verses. You know, the guide book that offers daily chapters and verses of the Bible to be read by Christians.

I read that day's contemplation and threw the book away.

It said that no matter how good you are, if you don't believe in Jesus, you won't be saved and get to heaven.

What... The... Fuck?

Ookkkayy, so I AM a Christian, for fucksake. I have so many nice muslim friends, and they won't be saved?

If Christians, who follow Jesus's teachings to love other humans, can go to Heaven, why can't a Buddhist or a Hindu who practices love towards mankind AND animals (by not eating meat) go to heaven?

That's so insane and absurd.

Don't get me wrong. I love God. Jesus is one of the many names of God. Whoever teaches (and practices) kindness towards nature IS God.

I believe that Heaven (or Hell) is manifested in our times here on Earth. By teaching (and believing, and forcing others to believe) that there is no salvation in other religions, we are condemning ourselves to Hell (terrorism and war starts by the lack of tolerance).

And thus making Earth a living Hell.

So, be kind. Don't convert others. Live and let live. Or as the old Wicca saying goes, "An it harm none, do as ye will".

True, so true.

On the lighter news, I just got another facial extraction done on my face.

Apparently, lots of acnes and blackheads were extracted from my forehead, making me look as if I were recovering from stigmata (remember Jesus's forehead wounds from the thorn crown he was forced to wear?)

I went to the facialist on Saturday afternoon, and went out to watch a movie with Pandu on the evening.

It was, of course, Memoirs of A Geisha!!!

And it is fucking supercool. You know, I hyperventilated when I bought the (pirated) DVD on Thursday. I watched it, and three fucking minutes before the movie ended, the DVD stopped.

SHIT!!!

So I couldn't do anything but watch the movie at the theatre, right? And it was supercool.

Okay, so I retracted my opinion about King Kong. The movie's got some moments (the fight with the tyranosaurs, Kong falling from Empire State Building... well, just those two), but it's not *all* that.

Apparently, La Fleur thinks it's crappy (I came to agreeing with her finally). But still, it had its moments.

I just can't believe that King Kong's making more BO than Geisha. And from the buzz, I heard that King Kong's getting an Academy Award nomination.

Academy Award? For what? Best Long-And-Unedited-To-Make-It-Look-Colossal-And-Long-With-Many-Unimportant-Scenes-That-Even-Failed-To-Build-The-Characters'-Characteristic-Despite-The-Length-of-The-Movie Movie?

Now Geisha... My God. Each actor poured her/his heart in it.

That's a movie that should get at least one Oscar for either Ziyi's, Michelle's, Gong's, or Ken's performances.

Even Youki Kudoh (Pumpkin), Tsai Chin (Auntie) Kaori Momoi (Mother) and Suzuka Ohgo (Little Chiyo) are extraordinary. And Koji Yakusho (Nobu) is simply amazing.

I got so accustomed to their accents that when the Americans came I got really annoyed.

And then it turned out that Americans also played a big role in making Geisha means a common streetwalker.

I am definitely making a Memoirs of A Geisha t-shirt.

Mom read the book and she said that it was superb.

Maybe I should start reading it too!

Oh, and tomorrow is Idul Adha, the day when thousands of lambs, goats, cows, bulls, will be slaughtered.

I was in charge for taking photos today when our hotel donated some lambsand one cow to the local community.

One lamb kept screaming and thrashing and looking at his friends in the back when he was being carried away.

Oh yes, so what will be served on your platter of delicious roasted lamb chop were the remains of a creature with feelings. A creature who was sold as not more than US$ 30 to be slaughtered and eaten.

Oh, and there's this one story.

It was during my days of depression that I tried my luck in one department store company called Nichols Edwards. They were going to open a chain at Sudirman Place, the so-called-hottest new high-end mall in Jakarta.

Yesterday, I thanked God that I failed the test.

I was driving to meet La Fleur at Plaza Senayan, when I noticed a big billboard of Nichols Edwards, showing a woman, in some kind of a mink (or fox?) fur scarf. Complete with the mink/fox head.

I SO WANT TO PAINT OBNOXIOUS CURSES ON THE BILLBOARD WITH RED PAINT!!!

Those people, if they're good enough to other people, and they believe in Jesus, will they go to Heaven?

If they will, then I'm sure going to make their lives on Earth a living hell.

resolutions, resolutions, resolutions

2006-01-01T18:37:00.000+07:00

Hellloooo, 2006!!!

You know what? I've been putting my laptop to "hibernate" with this page (create message page) up for two days. The only thing that had been written was the title, "resolutions, resolutions, resolutions".

Guess this year started in a really busy way.

It was exactly a year ago when I was away with my girlfriends at an impromptu vacation in Bali (yes, it was beautiful then, it is still beautiful now). And I was at that time, very anxious to know the result of my interview at Gucci.

I got interviewed for a position as a store manager. In the advertisement, they wanted a girl, but I wrote that I was gay and my homosexuality would be a plus point because two homosexuals actually changed the course of beauty and fashion history (John Galliano - the bitch I eventually hate because of his love for fur, and the late Kevyn Aucoin - the make-up genius).

Anyhoo, I wasn't accepted (bien sur, because right now, I'm comfortably working at this huge five-star-diamond hotel!).

Enough of the nostalgic flash-back.

Here I am again, one year has passed, and although the year 2005 hasn't been quite as... how should I put it... heavy, I am fortunate enough to be blessed with a colourful year that has actually contributed a lot in my way of becoming more mature.

Yes.

I got a job as a birthday present (my first-day was exactly on my birthday).
I got four new kittens (one kitty got lost, so there're only three left).
I learned photography using Nikon D-100 (digital's sooooo much easier).
I learned new tricks with Photoshop.
I became even more familiar with Illustrator.
I learned Freehand (quite easy).
I bought presents for my family and friends, presents that they really want, with my own money!

Well, what can I say, this year has been really, really, really fulfilling.

So, I stayed at the hotel during the countdown on New Year's Eve, right? I was the one responsible for the digital/analog clock countdown animation. It was simple, really (since I actually found the script on the net. Hah!)

Everything was fine and dandy and being a resourceful kitty (with a piece of knowledge just below average), I created an escape claw: a button that would lead the scene showing the clock to another scene showing fireworks. I actually created the button since I didn't know how the hell it was to make the scene automatically switch to the fireworks when the clock hit 00:00:00.

And how lucky I was.

The MC was sooo stupid that she began counting backwards when it was only 23:58:55. So there was still 1 minute 5 seconds left.

And when it was 23:59:00, she screamed as if we were already in the new year.

That very button, the escape claw, was quickly pushed, the scenes changed, and everything was solved.

Phew!

Anyway, after going to the bar to do some disco, I went home. Mom was there to open the gate.

And we hugged. For about two minutes. I was so ready to burst in tears. I told her happy new year and she said that she hadn't hugged me like that in years.

Geez...

The other day, when the five of us went to Bogor (we always do that) for Christmas, on the way back, I looked at the photos I took, and one of them made me cry.

From left-to-right: Aunt Judith, Aunt Florence, Mom, Aunt Corry.

It was a snap shot, a candid shot, when they were all laughing.

I cried in the backseat where I was sitting alone, thanking God for letting me spend yet another Christmas with Mom.

(Gabby, if you're reading this, I just want to let you know that when I hugged my mom, I also felt that it was YOU hugging YOUR mom. I believe that whenever a child hugs his/her mother, all the mothers, whether alive or up-in-heaven, would feel as if their own children were hugging them. And what a great feeling it is.)

On the lighter side, on New Year's Eve at the office, I wore this really flashy headpiece (a friend gave me a red halo, really weird. halos were supposed to be white, right?) and I ripped of a string of stars from my Christmas tree and put the stars around my head and the halo.

As always, I attracted the attention of the whole Shangri-La: the guests and the employees.

And guess what? Even the General Manager and the Resident Manager (probably like the President and Vice President of a country) asked to pose with me in a picture. And they took two pictures!

Of course I couldn't say no!

My God, I looked as if I had moustache in this photo.

Okay, so my resolutions for 2006 are:

Prepare myself for postgraduate study.
Work out more often
Groom myself more
Work harder, play harder, spend harder
Dedicate my life in three most important things in life: family, friends, and felines.

2006

2006-01-01T01:51:00.000+07:00

happy new year, everyone!

Too tired to go blogging. I'll see you when I see you!

merry christmas!

2005-12-24T17:52:00.000+07:00

So I just bought a wallet for Mom (I don't have to tell you how freakin much it cost me), and some trinkets for my friends.

I think this Christmas is the most magical Christmas for me ever, since I bought everything with my own money and I just feel proud to be able to do so.

I watched King Kong last night and it was cooooollll!!!!! Yep, humans are the beasts.

A Christmas present for all of you, "Wunderkind" by Alanis Morissette, from the OST of Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

"Wunderkind"
~ written by Alanis Morissette & Harry Gregson

Oh, perilous place walk backwards toward you
Blink disbelieving eyes chilled to the bone
Most visibly brave no apprehended bloom
First to take this foot to virgin snow

I am magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment

I am a wunderkind
And I live the envelope pushed far enough to believe this
I am a princess on the way to my throne
Destined to serve, destined to roam

Oh, ominous place spellbound and un-child-proofed
My least favorite shelter bear alone
Compatriots in face they’d cringe if I told you
Our best back pocket secret our bond full blown

And I am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
I am a wunderkind
And I am pioneer naïve enough to believe this
I am a princess on the way to my throne
Destined to seek, destined to know

Most beautiful place reborn and blown off roof
My view about face whether great will be done

And I am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
I am a wunderkind

I am a groundbreaker
naïve enough to believe this
I am a princess on the way to my throne

And I am a magnet for all kinds of deeper wonderment
I am a wunderkind
I am a Joan of Arc and smart enough to believe this
I am a princess on the way to my throne
Destined to reign, destined to roam
Destined to reign, destined to roam

~*~

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

may we'll always remember that Christmas is not about gifts,
but about giving and sharing.

I wish for a Christmas free of fear and of pain
when joy and love are easy to attain
When hope fills every soul, everytime, everywhere
And the sound of anger is silenced by a prayer

facial junkie

2005-12-18T09:39:00.000+07:00

Okay, that title makes me sound like some bukkake slut.

But no, what I meant was getting facial extraction, to take out all the acne and everything.

It was painful like hell, but I kind of enjoyed it. The feeling of being cleansed, as if going through the purgatory or something (hell? purgatory? I think I'm turning into a Catholic now).

Anyway, then I went outside to buy the meds (yeah, with *that* face) and some DVDs (bought Aeon Flux, Michael Jackson's "Number Ones", and Kylie Minoque's "Ultimate Kylie").

I don't have a freakin clue as to why people hated Aeon Flux the movie. I think it's supercool. Then again, I'm a feminist.

I love Aeon Flux. The story's okay (although it does bear a resemblance to The Island and all Aeon's friends died... sheesh, what a depressive story).

But the actions, the weapons, the wardrobe are supercool. And I so love the poster.

And as for MJ's "Number Ones", I cried during "Earth Song". Of course.

Ultraviolet!

2005-12-15T23:19:00.000+07:00

So a few hours ago, I decided to browse to www.millaj.com.

And my God, I just found out that... Ultraviolet's gonna be out on 24 February 2006!!!

I can't stop hyperventilating. I've been hearing about the buzz of this movie since 2005 (it went to be filmed sometime in 2004, I think). And the date of the release has been pushed back and forth, back and forth, until today!

Or at least until 13 December 2005... That it's official! It's gonna be unveiled on 24 February 2006!!

I love vampires, okay, so it's not really about vampires, it's about this disease that makes people consume human blood and therefore gain more agility, strength, and intelligence.

But there's Milla in it.

I remembered the first time I saw Milla was in Kravit'z supersexy videoclip, "If You Can't Say No". And then years after that, I bought The Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc, and that was the moment I fell in love with her.

My favorite movies of hers are The Messenger and Million Dollar Hotel. Those are for the dramas. For the action/comedy, I love The Fifth Element, while Resident Evil 1 and 2 are soooo awesome!

Oh yeah, speaking of RE, two more sequels are in progress. Yay!!

She's my hero!

happy Sunday!

2005-12-11T22:18:00.000+07:00

I woke up this morning at 4.30 local time. I went rollerblading at 5.15 up to 6.45.

I fell three times. Well, more like four times. Three times in the exact same spot (I have no idea why, probably I wasn't being careful or maybe I haven't skated for a long time).

The last one was because I was simply too tired and the terrain was so bad. And I didn't really fall, just tripped in front of a really cute guy in red. SHIT SHIT SHIT.

And almost got hit by a cab. My God.

But anywho, it was fun. I was really burning carb and producing endorphine and everything. All in all, I scraped my hip quite badly.

And then I met B and L and we went to see NARNIA (yay!!!) what a cool movie. And there was this really cool person, the one who played the White Witch. She's Tilda Swinton, the very same person who played Gabriel in Constantine (also a great movie).

Narnia's so cool. It got me shivered. I cried three times. And the score and everything is sooo perfect. B and I gawked when we heard Alanis's voice in the ending credit (I heard Imogen Heap's voice first before it faded to Alanis).

I double checked to Amazon and it's true! They were Imogen Heap and Alanis Morissette! In the Narnia's CD!!! (Immi's is called "I Can't Take It In" while Alanis's is called "Wunderkind").

I heard Immi's "Hide and Seek" at a local radio station and maybe, just maybe, there's hope that the song will be more popular here and I'll be able to buy the CD here!

That's one of my Christmas wish list. And the list goes on and on. 80% is about me. Haha. I know. Very, very, very selfish.

Oh, and as we were driving home, some lunatic played Celine Dion's "All By Myself".

I'm so dead.

Okay, that means two more flicks to watch this December: King Kong and Memoirs of A Geisha.

Aw geez... Tomorrow's MONDAY already???

vegetarian?

2005-12-10T19:58:00.000+07:00

Over the years, I'd been a real fan of meat. I loved poultry, beef, ham, everything. So I didn't normally eat fish, but I loved them (cooked).

In work, I'm demanded not only as a PR person, but also as a graphic designer and copywriter (this will obviously look good in my CV. Yay!) and there are days when I'm forced to write something like how tasty shark fins are, how exotic hairy crabs are, or how succulent escargots are.

And there are days when I have to design posters showing grilled beef or barbecued chicken.

One day, it just hit me like a train: cows, chickens, fish, pigs are living beings, with flesh and blood, and moreover: emotions.

They can feel happiness, freedom, and love as well as sorrow, pain, and fear. And those traits make them not different than humans. So why is it okay to breed lambs to be eaten? Why is it that we curse the sadistic Martians (or whatever they are) who use humans as fuel in War of The Worlds when after watching it, we go eat a large beef burger?

Did you know that sharks are caught alive, have their fins slashed off while they're still breathing and then they're tossed back to the ocean? Did you know that sharks can't breathe when they don't move? Did you also know that sharks move with their fins? And did you, by any chance, know that salt (and salt water) can make wounds feel really painful?

Did you know that sharks, like humans, are also capable of feeling pain?

Did you know that hairy crabs are flown from Shanghai in an alive state, but because of the stress, they go comatose, to then be revived back for a short time only to be boiled alive so that the "taste and aroma are preserved more deliciously"?

Did you know that hairy crabs, like humans, are also capable of feeling fear?

Did you know that escargots, or snails eat dirt, so that in order to transform them into a tasty and safe meal for humans, they have to be detoxified, that is to starve them for 4-5 days, so that there's nothing left in their digestive system, which means they're ready to be cooked?

Did you know that snails, like humans, are also capable of feeling agony?

Right now, whenever I see a piece of beef meat, or a whole fish, being "beautifully presented" that is after being de-boned or have their backs sliced open, I always think of War of The Worlds.

I always think that those are humans. And I become so sick to my stomach.

I don't know about you, but that's enough to make me pledge to be a vegetarian. I still eat eggs and drink milk and eat chocolate, and then I start to think that I always feel sick when I got an e-mail showing soups made from baby humans.

I think I'm going vegan.

Oh, and it's rainy season again. Look out for any boutiques selling real-fur products. Who knows, it might be one of your lost cats' or dogs' fur. (Click
here: WARNING, NOT FOR THE FAINT-HEARTED.) And then go sign the petition.

Does that look appetizing to you?

I fail to see anything different among the three pictures below:

bodies...

bodies...

bodies...

aww behave!!

2005-12-08T23:40:00.000+07:00

Okay, the first thing is...

NARNIA IS NOW IN THEATRES!!

Okay, the second thing (and the third, and so on and so forth...) is that

OH MY GOD MY MOOD IS SO BROKEN...
(details down below)

we're having this big Christmas Tree Lighting ceremony when the Hotel invites top clients (from Sales & Events departments) and media (from Communications department) and... well, I met media friends and chatted awhile, and you remembered one time I told you about making friends with a media friend? Yeah, he's the one.

Anyway, he told me that he knew someone named L and that someone knew me too! And anyway he told me that L told him that I'm lonely.

Lonely!!!

My God... and that L guy and I barely knew each other.

Oh well, I am not lonely.

I come home every day, like 2 - 5 hours after office hours because I love my job, not because I want to go home tired and go straight to bed without thinking why I don't have a boyfriend.

I come home every weekend on the afternoon, and go out with my friends because I enjoy movies and malls, not because I want to block my mind away from my being single with filling my head with fantasies or splurging on Christian Diors or Esprits.

I write blogs everyday because I like to write, not because I want to promote myself to have a boyfriend (I don't even put a lot of revealing pictures at my blog).

So, the point is, I'm NOT lonely.

Oh, and did you know that my General Manager (of the Hotel) calls me Triple C behind my back?

Do you know what Triple C stands for? I thought it was something like... cheesy or cocky or... creative?

But no.

Triple C stands for...

Cute Communications Coordinator.

I gasped when my boss told me. Yikes. Omigod, I'm laughing so much right now.

Oh sh*t, it's late. I gotta go. I'll talk about the broken mood and the vegetarianism tomorrow.

Laterz!

movies, movies, movies!

2005-12-06T20:32:00.000+07:00

Hey y'all!!

Boyhowdy, it sure has been a long time since I wrote anythin'. Yep, I reckon that ain't good.

My God, I can't believe I just typed hillbilly style.

Yeah! December's in! There's this 7 meter tall Christmas tree and a huge gingerbread house in the place where I work. I'll take the photos tomorrow.

Anyway, I can't believe that the long wait has actually ended! The three most anticipated movies (IMVHO) are here! Chronicles of Narnia, Memoirs of A Geisha, and King Kong. Geez, I got shivers and goosebumps everytime HBO plays King Kong's trailer!

Wait, has anyone noticed that Zhang Ziyi's mimic is exactly a la Aslan's of Narnia?

There aren't many things to write. Except that I've splurged quite a bit on a shirt and two ties (both of which are for official matters, I've Arancia to thank for helping me make up my mind).

Oh, and speaking of Arancia... There's this funny thing...

*Goddamn these nails! They're simply too long! I've to cut them. I can't type with these!*

I've a friend, he's the author of Blurt-Out. Apparently, he's also Arancia's friend! Blurt-Out buzzed me one day on YahoO!Messenger and we chatted about how long we hadn't seen each other (for over a year) and later set up a date. I also told him that I'd bring Arancia along.

And you know what? That was on Friday. When I was going shopping with Arancia on Sunday at Plaza Senayan, I spotted a very familiar face in front of the counter of Kinokuniya.

Yep, it was Blurt-Out.

We went a bit hysterical (I did manage to contain the hyperventilating), and we exchanged our new cellphone numbers.

And that didn't stop there! Another friend of mine, Serigala, also made friends with Blurt-Out and he told me that on Monday, the very next day.

So, Blurt-Out, you seem to be going around my life these days.

Oh, and remember about one of my BFFs I told you about? B?

Yeah, he broke up with his "boyfriend". Now I've seen it all.

Anyone wanna watch any of those three movies with me?

Oh, one more thing... I'm pleased to announce that I'm a born again vegetarian. Details on my next post! I've to go clean up my facial mask.

feline quality friendship

2005-11-20T02:47:00.000+07:00

Today marks a year of a family member who died. A very close friend of mine. A lover.

A cat.

Her name is Poussy. I wrote this for her about a year ago. I don't think I can ever write anything like this. I hope you can find something to be learned.

Poussy Tuanakotta
1 October 1994 - 20 November 2004

----------------------------------------------------------------

This year won’t be the same. Not with someone who’d always greet me at the door whenever I come home. Not with someone who’d always accompany my Mom everytime I went out. Not with someone who’d offer me her big goo goo eyes and an attitude that made me laugh everytime I was down.

It all started in July 2003. I found out that Poussy, our then 9 year old cat, had a cancer under her back skin. She got it surgically removed twice, because the first one wasn’t thorough and left a bit of it which grew again. After the second surgery, she courageously went through a set of chemotherapy, and we thought the storm was over.

In September 2004, after a calm year, Poussy showed multiple symptoms. She had a fever and didn’t want to eat. We had to take her to the veterinarian where she was hospitalized. And since then, her condition deteriorated. She became very thin, and even had more difficulty to walk.

And the result came. The veterinarian found that there was an object in her stomach, and it turned out to be a tumor. Apparently, the tumor had metastased and spread all over her intestines and lungs. Even if the veterinarian had successfully removed that on her intestines, the one in her lungs would have stayed there. Shaken, my mom asked whether we could bring Poussy home, and the vet said yes.

At that time, I stopped listening and I did researches on the internet about tumor and cancer and alternative homeotherapy medicine. I found something that was claimed to be a miracle worker in cancer for humans and animals: flaxseed oil.

Even in Jakarta, western homeotherapy medicine was not very common and the directory on the internet didn’t help either. So I had to go to different places to ask whether they had flaxseed oil or not. After going to several places, I was successful. And in 21 years of my life, I felt that I could make a difference. I felt that I could save a life.

I began feeding her with flaxseed oil. I mixed it with the yellow of a half boiled egg, some milk, and bee pollen. I gave Poussy and myself a month. I didn’t want to think about euthanasia, I didn’t want to think about letting her go. I still had faith, and Poussy was doing well with the medication that I gave.

It was not until the third week, that I noticed that her urine was not healthy and she was very stubbron and didn’t let a single drop of food into her mouth. I cried everytime I forced a bit of the liquid into her mouth. It didn’t work.

That Friday, I called my mom at her shop and I told her that I didn’t want to see her suffer more, and Mom asked me to ease Poussy’s suffering by putting her to sleep. I finally agreed and spent the rest of the day with her, under my bed. She didn’t even have the strength to climb up and sleep on her favorite spot. I noticed that she was very ill and pale and thin, and she was struggling to breathe. She looked at me as if to tell me to let her go.

Finally, Saturday morning came. I put her in the rotan basket I had prepared the day earlier, and my family prayed. I was devastated. I was torn between the guilt of quitting and the ego of making her suffer just so I can be with her longer.

On the way to the veterinarian, she showed me her final gift of compassion. As I held her inside the box on my lap, she gave her last breath.

Thoughts were running as if a video were being played in my head: the first time I saw her being brought home as a tiny, undernourished kitten, the hours I spent playing with her even to some extent hurting her whenever I got the Elmyra kick, the dependence, the independence, the trust, the attitude, the way she would untangle my red ribbons, and my escapism when I broke up with my boyfriend. Even as a kitten, she was fearless to confront humans who are goliath to her lilliput.

Her final gift to me is the gift of releasing me from the guilt that would forever haunt me if I put her to sleep. With that gift, I learned that she is my cause, my lesson, my reason of living. With that gift, I learned the true meaning of friendship: unselfishness.

She taught me that nothing is too small to teach you how to live.

----------------------------------------------------------------

1,000 Oceans
~ Tori Amos

These tears I've cried.
I've cried 1000 oceans.
And if it seems
I'm floatingin the darkness...
I can't believe that I would keep,
keep you from flying;
and I would cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes to sail you home,
sail you home.

I'm aware what the rules are.
But you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you
over Silbury Hill,
through the solar field.
You know that I will follow you.

And if I find you
will you still remember
playing at trains,
or does this little blue ball
just fade away?

Over Silbury Hill,
through the solar field,
you know that I will follow you.
I'm aware what the rules are,but you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you.

These tears I've cried.
I've cried 1000 oceans.
And if it seems I'm floating
in the darkness...
Well, I can't believe that I would keep,
keep you from flying.
So I will cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes to
sail you home,
sail you home,
sail you home.

the path

2005-11-14T22:47:00.000+07:00

*Just bought Tori Amos's Tales of a Librarian. It's AMAZING!*

For those of you who haven't watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose, please do watch it. Don't watch it because you want some excitement of spinechilling specters like those in the completely silly The Eye or The Ring or whatever.

Watch it because you want to know more about wisdom.

I am not a fan of horror movies since I'm a real chickenshit. But this one is amazing. I've been a fan of Jennifer Carpenter since White Chicks and I when I knew that it was her playing Emily Rose, I became intrigued and the movie is very satisfactory.

One scene that I won't forget was when Erin Bruner (the lawyer, played amazingly by Laura Linney, as usual) found the gold locket when she was just taking a walk. The gold locket had the initials ECB, the very same initial that Erin has (Erin Christine Bruner). She said that of all the people who walked there, only she had found the locket.

She added that no matter how many sins she's committed, right then and there, she was walking on the right path, the path that lead her to finding that gold locket with her initials inscribed on it.

Everything happens for a reason.

God puts everything right in God's time.

I firmly believe in those two sentences.

There are stories, personal stories that support the sentences. But the most recent one just happened a few hours ago.

I love cats. I adore cats. I think of myself as a cat.

I went home after circling the housing area near Thamrin, since I remembered that I once discovered a secluded house of a dermathologist, and I kind of need a consultation. My trusted dermatologist only operates during 09.00 - 17.00 on Mondays to Fridays and 09.00 - 14.00 on Saturdays. The exact times when I am at the office.

I found the house of the doctor and she only works until 18.00. Fuckin' Great. So I went to a store to buy my usual facial care kit and then went home.

About 5 meters to home, I saw something on the road. I'm always paranoid of things on the road, and that night, my fear was true.

It was a cat. A kitten to be more exact. Of about 5 months. Lying dead. A hit-and-run victim. Her head was broken. And she was still warm.

I stopped my car at an instant and jumped down off my car. I don't care about other cars honking behind me. There was still another lane and they could use that lane. I ran to the kitten and ran back to my car to open the trunk, took anything I can take to cover the body and I found a thick paper.

I ran back to the kitten, placed her on the paper and carried her to my car. I put her on my lap and tried to start the engine.

It won't start. My mind raced to superstitions. People say that bad things happen to people who commit road kills, especially to cats. I didn't do the road kill. And why did it happen to me?

I prayed and tried again but it didn't work.

It was only 5 meters away and there were two people and they helped me push my car to home. One of the people reminded me to bury the kitten with the shirt that I had on. It was my NEXT shirt, the one I wore to my catechism ceremony in 2001 and it bore many memories, but at that moment, it didn't matter. It still doesn't matter until now.

After we've burried the kitten, I phoned my parents and Mom told me to call the 24 hour service. I phoned and they came about two hours later.

It turned out that my car battery was at the brink of death. My car is a year and a half old, and it's about time that I replace the battery.

That kitten. That car. That battery.

What if I hadn't stopped by to buy some soap and a CD? What if I hadn't called an affectionate friend who confided in me about the discrimination he got because of his sexual orientation? (He works at Astra Motors Indonesia, the very same company from which I bought my car, the very same company who came to service my car). What if I hadn't sent him an important SMS message to trigger him to give me a misscall and triggered me to call him back?

What if I hadn't come home that late? What if I had come home five minutes earlier when the kitten was still alive? What if I hadn't found the kitten? What if I hadn't stopped the car?

What if the battery died on the road when I were on high velocity? What if the battery died on the parking lot when I were trying to go home? What if the battery died while I were driving on an empty street at the dead of the night?

Mom said that the same kitten was out there playing in the morning. Isn't it amazing how few hours really mean?

Everything happens for a reason. The dead kitten was a warning that I should change the battery. My car engine wouldn't start not because I got cursed. It was a gift from whatever force who wanted to tell me to change the car battery.

The dead kitten was my gold locket. And I was meant to be on that path.

in-line skating review

2005-11-13T21:05:00.000+07:00

Yayy!!

Today's been great! Below is the rollerblading review on today's (really rare) sports occasion.

:: Day / Date ::
Sunday, 13 November 2005
* Recommendation: Sunday, the faster lanes are closed (up until 09.00) for people to do sports, be careful with stupid and impatient drivers

:: Time ::
05.30 - 07.30 (120 mins)
* Recommendation: go before the sun rises, from 04.00 - 06.00, less cars

:: Gear & Costume ::
In-line Skates, Protective Gear, Torn Tee (white/cotton), Tight Adidas Pants (black/lycra), LP Shin Support (nude), Kipling Pouch Belt (black)
* Recommendation: do not shut the external world out by listening to iPods or Discmen. It is dangerous and you should keep all your senses awake. Bring at least a bottle of water and a towel. If you are too paranoid, bring a taser gun.

:: Terrain::
Menteng (home) - Sudirman - Thamrin / Hotel Indonesia Roundabout
*Recommendation: Thamrin / Hotel Indonesia Roundabout, better & flatter streets, cuter guys, Sudirman is a lot steeper with more cars

:: # of Falls ::
Once, 0% painful, 100% embarrassing
*Recommendation: protective gears are definitely a must

:: # of Cute Guys ::
Fifteen, most of whom are seen in Thamrin / Hotel Indonesia Roundabout (including some young policemen and security guards)
*Recommendation: Smile, flirt and look at their bulges

:: # of In-Line Skaters ::
Two, including Yours Truly

:: # of People Gawking ::
I've lost count
*Recommendation: Smile to everyone and wink to everyone worth flirting with.

CD wishlist...

2005-11-11T21:47:00.000+07:00

Where to start...

Okay, this week's been terrific. I'm up to a deal with this new great magazine, and umm... the account executive is cute. As in tall (185 something), with a great body (he works out). Not cute, he's just... manly. You know, the person who oozes sexuality?

Makes me want to sleep with him.

He kind of walked behind me and sometimes my shoulder (and back) would brush against his chest and that felt sooooo freakin good. I don't know why. I guess I'm just horny (hello? I'm 22! I'm constantly horny).

Anyway, yeah, this's been a pretty great week. I've been designing again (yay!) and the designs turned out okay.

And then there was another marketing person from another magazine and he's gay too. So we began chatting and he was a really nice person and I kind of opened up to him (you know, as in sister-to-sister?). Basically, he just advised me to get wild a bit, to destroy my inferiority complex.

And he invited me to this Halloween's party. I really want to dress as a nun, but I can't seem to find the outfit. And I'm confused.

Okay, I'm too tired to type away, so I'm going to cut it short. Here's my wishlist for the CD:

I'm sooo tired!!! I think I'm just gonna take a shower and go to bed. Oh, and it rained today! I love rain!

To those who've asked, I bought the rollerblades (see previous post) at Plaza Senayan in a store called Kettler or something, it's on level 3, right in front of QB Books.

going skating

2005-11-08T21:16:00.000+07:00

I totally had no idea what possessed me.

I mean, I did vow that if I ever got a job near home (say in Kuningan or Sudirman or Thamrin area -> the areas that are commercially busy, the perfect place to be seen), I would rollerblade to work and back.

And then I got a job in Sudirman area and I forgot about this vow. Until one day (or night), I literally just thought, "Hey, I think I'm going to buy a pair of in-line skates" (without actually knowing what it would cost).

And it cost me a fucking fortune. Okay, so not really a fortune, but enough to make me postpone my plan in buying the Dior cuff. The pair (plus the protective gear) cost me USD 190.

Okay, don't gawk, don't gasp. I've been practicing (again) and it's so fucking good to know that after a decade (I stopped blading when I got an accident when I was 12), I can still do that!

And I'm so going to take these blades out for a maiden voyage this Sunday morning before embarking on another mall-trip in the afternoon.

Now that I've got those Nike in-line skates, all I need are a pair of really skimpy pants to show off my legs (I'm going to hide my scar with leg suspender) and bien sur, MP3 player! That's IF I had an MP3 player, which I don't.

Anyway, this Saturday, I'm going shopping for the suspender and the skimpy shorts.

And no, I'm not going out to look for guys. I'm going out to do sports with my friends. I really need to flatten my tummy.

tell me why I don't like Mondays..

2005-11-07T20:35:00.000+07:00

Too tired to type. Just gonna put up the lyrics of a song I've been listening to over and over again recently. It's by Tori Amos.

"I Don't Like Mondays"
~ performed by Tori Amos

the silicon chip inside her head
gets switched to overload
and nobody's gonna go to school today
she's going to make them stay at home

and daddy doesn't understand it
he always said she was good as gold
and he can see no reason'cause there are no reasons
what reason do you need to be shown

tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i don't like
i don't like mondays

tell me why
i don't like mondays
i want to shoot
the whole day down, down,
downshoot it all down
heeyeeaa

and the playing stopped in the playground now
she wants to play with her toys a while
and school's out early and soon we'll be learning
the lesson today is how to die

and then the bullhorn cackles
and the captain tackles
with the problems and the how's and why's
and he can see no reason
'cause there are no reasons
what reason do you need to die, die, ohhh

tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i don't like
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i don't like
i don't like mondays
ooohmmm
i don't like mondays...no...

i wanna to shoot
the whole day down
whole day...whole day....the whole day down

heart on a stick

2005-11-04T23:12:00.000+07:00

We've finished the two-day-extravagant journey and we had a lot of fun and I even met a new friend! She's a friend of one of my best friends from church.

Anyway, I've put up the photos at my Yahoo! Photos page (hint: you can find my ID at my blogspot profile page). Look for the pictures under the title "Dufan" (that's the short for "Dunia Fantasi").

And when we were done, as usual, as the designated driver, I dropped off my friends at wherever's convenient to them.

Okay, so I actually have to tell a story. I have two friends from church. They're like my siblings. A girl, he's called L, and a boy named B (as in the crackers). We met during the confirmation class in 2001, in which I was the president of the class. Yay!

Anyway, B's gay and he's been on and off relationships. And he just found this really nice (and cute) guy and they've been doing really good. And I mean really, really good.

L's got a boyfriend (or two, or several, I don't know. Can you imagine that she's only 21 and she's a maniacal playgirl? Talk about toying with guys).

And this girl I talked about recently is Ls friend (or cousin?) her name is F. I think she's now going through a relationship with a guy who just turned out to be gay (watch out girls! Oh yeah, I so hate guys who're gutless to admit his sexuality. I'm bitter on this and I'm proud of it).

So we went to the Safari Garden place, L with her boyfriend (his name is R), B sending messages (and obviously happy) with his boyfriend, I don't really know about F, but I think she's feeling bitter about her relationship.

And then there was me.

Independent, self-absorbed, fresh from a wild sex adventure, nouveau-rich (with my own income. My dad's filthy rich but that's Dad's money. I did spend it a lot, though). Okay, I'm being a bitch again. I love being a bitch.

Where were we... oh yeah, I was typing about my qualities.

Yes, independent. Too independent, actually. You know, it's been a year since I got involved in a relationship and it's been too long that I've even forgotten how it felt.

And I did make stupid mistakes somewhere along the way (which probably caused the break-up, or more likely me getting dumped) and now that it's been a year, I've forgotten what went wrong!

So right now I'm scared to make a new relationship. I don't know where to start, I'm too lazy to start, but somewhere in there... I want to have a relationship.

I want to, but I don't know how.

And then it struck me...

B was very cynical about having relationships... And then he found the very guy. The perfect guy.

And you know what? I keep showing up jealousy, but I don't think it's real. I think it's more like a decoy, so they won't know that I'm really happy inside. I mean, I have a reputation to maintain (the cynical Feline).

You know what I feel inside?

I feel... glad. I really do. I mean, now I know that even true love exists for those who are the most cynical towards it.

And one more thing. When I was driving alone, a thought occured to me. Well, more like a prayer. I prayed and I hoped that nothing bad would happen to B's relationship. I mean, he was crushed, he was heart-broken, he was lost.

And now he's found his Mr. Right. And he's in love, they're in love, they're happy.

I prayed that nothing bad would happen to them and their relationship, because it would hurt B to death. And it would erase the last specs of hope that I am hanging on to with dear life.

The hope of finding true love.

Love, schlove. I'm out of here.

The illustration is a simple illustration made with Adobe Illustrator CS2. It took me only about 3 minutes (bragging again). It's called "Heart on A Stick".

I don't know where I got that inspiration. I was going to post something about true love and I began looking for images like the sacred heart, golden heart, to frozen heart. I didn't find any image I see fit, so I decided to create one.

I hope you like it. Heart on a stick probably symbolizes me. Skinny as a stick, with a heart lollipop.

one night of sex & a day of fun!

2005-11-03T20:53:00.000+07:00

Okay, so last night, I just went to Djakarta Theatre (one of the coziest 21 theatres in Jakarta, too bad the services suck!), and I watched Chicken Little! Oh my God, that movie is just... soo inspiring.

I watched it alone (one of my habits before I started working). And found it very adorable. Especially Abby. Okay, so whenever my inferiority complex starts to bug me, I always tell myself that I'm an ugly duckling who never grows up.

Which means, eternal fugliness (for those of you who aren't familiar with the term "fugly", it means "fucking ugly". Pretty neat, huh?)

Anyway, the movie itself is sooo heartwarming, and it's so nice.

And on that very day, I kind of made a date with a guy I've known since about a year or so. We've been going out (and having sex) since April 2005. But I met him for like only 4 times since he's a bartender and works in shifts and then I got this job and become very busy ever since.

So I met him last night. I'm going to describe him. He's tall, dark, and handsome. Not cute, handsome... as in masculinely handsome? Okay, so he's so my type and I find him sexually appealing. And we had sex.

The sex itself was awesome. I mean, okay, let's be frank. I love rough sex. I love being dominated and the whole being-raped simulation thing. I love it (I know it's not pervy, and I don't think being a masochist is a pervy thing to do).

Anyway, after the sex was over and he had left, I began to ponder about relationship(s) and me. I think it's going to be like oil and water, nitro and glycerine... we won't mix.

I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. For a steady one that is, because I'm still traumatized and I don't think I can ever be a good boyfriend. I mean, sure, I do want to have a boyfriend, but... I don't know. Probably someday.

There are too many things in this world that needs to be enjoyed. And I've been alone for too long that I've forgotten how it feels to have romantic conversations (not necessarily intelligent or cute), to want to buy a present for someone (a tie, or a shirt, or a nice jacket, or a fountain pen), to be hugged...

And the sex should be enjoyable too.

Yea, right... Hahaha... Probably next year.

OOH!! And you know what??? I just found the complete seasons 1-2-3 (*sorry, I meant season 1-2-3-4 and I bought just the fourth season and I'm still waiting for the other seasons* amended on Sunday, 13 November 2005) of STAR TREK VOYAGER!!! I'm so in love with Jeri Ryan / Seven of Nine!! I've been marathoning it like crazy!

I slept at 4.00 AM this morning and that means I only slept for 5 hours before going to an extreme fun extravagance at Indonesia's biggest theme park called Dunia Fantasi (Fantasi World) / Dufan.

And tomorrow, I'm going to embark on another sensational trip to Taman Safari (Safari Garden) over at the nearby mountain called Puncak (The Peak). The Safari Garden is kind of a zoo where you can pass with cars, hence the name "safari". And inside, there're also theme parks and circus.

Hey, wait a minute, don't circus and zoos mean cruelty to animals???

I'm gonna have to find out!

femmes fatales

2005-10-30T22:34:00.000+07:00

Right now, I'm watching Dangereous Liaisons... Oh my God, like... this movie is just... I don't know how to say it. It's just wicked. Wicked as in wickedly wicked. If you want to see a movie about love, lust, and betrayal. Go watch this. This is the ultimate. Keanu is just... Yummy...

Anyway, I've put up a collage of posters of the movies with powerful woman (and drag) figures in it. The first collage is of threesomes (and also a foursome), the second collage is of duets, and the last one is of one woman.

a pretty nice week

2005-10-29T22:47:00.000+07:00

Okay, so I've been watching DVDs lately, and I should tell you, when I first watched this movie over at HBO, I wasn't really paying attention to it. But then... I saw this over on the (pirated) DVD counter where I use to buy (pirated) DVDs.

And I was kind of hesitant to pick it up, but I did pick it up and there it was, sitting on my work station with the DVD laying on the table... And I popped it in my laptop (where I can watch DVDs with headphones so I can bury the voices from the outside and just watch them soundly).

Anyway, it's called Boys on The Side, starring the fabulous trio of Whoopie Goldberg, Drew Barrymore, and Mary Louise-Parker. They're just gorgeous and great and of course, as usual, I wept.

You know, it seems that I always measure the quality of a movie by weeping or not weeping (when it comes to drama) by the adrenaline rush I get (when it comes to action - Tomb Raider & Resident Evil really got me going) and by the how much popcorn I got stuck up my nose everytime I laugh (when it comes to comedy).

This is a good movie and as a feminist, I enjoy it sooo much. Anyway, I think my next posting is about the femme fatale movies.

I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane

2005-10-24T20:35:00.000+07:00

I'm fine.

I'm just compiling some tracks that I feel have this tragic energy.

Just watched "Crash". It's just... sooo tragic. I mean, it's tragic and funny at the same time and I cried three times while watching it. It's just so beautiful.

Only one thing bothered me, it would be a lot more beautiful and direct and sweet if Jennifer Esposito's tits were not shown. I mean, I would love to see Ryan Phillipe in the buff, but please, this is supposed to be a tragic movie. Not some sex-laden movie.

And there's this song by Bird York (I swear I've never heard of her until I watched Crash). It's called "In The Deep" and the lyrics are down below.

Okay, so today's going quite smoothly and you know what? You remember when I was telling you that I was being scolded for using the Yahoo! Messenger?

Well, I waited for like.. the whole day until I was sure it was safe to use it. I mean, I need to socialize, right? And it's one of the ways to still greet friends (although I usually don't pay attention to them since the workload's killing me already).

But then, like, only after five minutes after I logged in and began chatting, my boss came over to my desk and borrowed my computer!!!

She told me that she was not able to access the intranet and she had to use my PC and then she noticed that I was doing the YM thing again...

Okay, so she was not really mad, she was quite okay with it, but I guess I really should just log in when it's after five. Yeah, I think I should start to do that.

Anyway, fuck it.

On to the next topic. I'm compiling a compilation CD (tentatively) entitled "Strangely Sad Songs". Although the songs are not strangely sad, I mean, they are sad, so they're not mysteriously sad. The lyrics are sad, and everything else is sad so they are sad, for chrissake.

Here's the tentative listing:

1. Bird York - In The Deep
2. Alanis Morissette - Mary Jane
3. Alex Parks - Cry
4. Joni Mitchell - A Case of You
5. Bonnie Raitt - Will The Sun Ever Shine Again
6. Des'ree - Kissing You
7. Tori Amos - 1,000 Oceans

The list's still growing.

Anyway, here're the lyrics.

"In The Deep"
-performed by Bird York

Thought you had all the answers

to rest your heart upon

but something happens

don't see it coming

now you can't stop yourself

now you're out there swimming in the deep

Life keeps tumbling

your heart in circles till you let go

till you shed your pride

and you climb to heaven

and you throw yourself off

now you're out there spinning in the deep

If you want to be given everything, give everything up

***

It's beautiful, no?

one f-ing week!

2005-10-23T22:08:00.000+07:00

My God, this week has been a real ride.

Umm... actually it's been too long that I've even forgotten how it started.

Okay, so first thing was, it was Sunday and I woke up late so I missed the 6 AM, 8 AM and 10 AM Sunday masses at church. The other masses are at 5 PM and 7 PM.

But the shit thing was, I had to go to the hotel I work at since there was this big photoshooting going on (we had refurbished the whole ballroom and we have some new rooms with new decorations, carpets and everything so we had to do a photoshooting because all the publicities have to be done using professional photographs taken by a professional photographers, and of course we needed to take the photos early in the morning or late at night so as not to disturb guests, so we need to stay at the hotel).

So I missed the church. And I knew that I would have a really shitty week.

And so it happened. The first days (including the Sunday) was quite okay. I helped here and there and made myself quite useful and I liked that feeling. I took a few pictures here and there and was happy when one of them was put up on the newspapers. Luck.

But then, something happened, exactly on Friday. There was another photoshooting for a magazine. They were going to do this big festive December issue (for Christmas and New Year) and...

And... And I just lost my words.

The point is, the executive chef got mad at us for being late. He happened to be on his way to the meeting and apparently we made him wait. You see, the prepared dishes were fine-dining thing and that he had to prepare them himself right before the photoshooting.

I mean, HELLO!!! We're not God! We're simply PR people and from the conversation over the e-mail, we thought that it had been clear that he would simply put up the dishes and leave them to us for the photoshooting and he could go freely to his very important meetings.

We didn't even have a single freaking clue that he wanted to stay there and arrange it right before the camera started clicking.

Of course when I entered the room, he was furious and asked me where we had been. I replied simply (and rather dumbly, as usual), "Lunch".

Oh, oh, and the most glorious fucking thing is, tomorrow (October 24, 2005) will be my 90 days working there and that means there's going to be a personal assesment review thingy. AND THAT SHITTY INCIDENT WILL DEFINITELY STILL BE A FRESH ISSUE!

And plus, my boss discovered that I was using Yahoo! Messenger.

Hey, hey, I do use Yahoo! Messenger, but most of the times, I leave my friends fuming because I don't reply since I got a lot of shit I need to take care of.

I love my job. Hell, I love the environment, but this thing is just...

*poof*.

Nuff said.

Anyway, on the lighter side...

I KNEW CORPSE BRIDE WOULD BE BIG!!!

It is fucking cool! I love everything about it, and I cried when (warning, spoiler ahead) Emily [the corpse bride] finally gave Victor to Victoria and was transformed into millions of butterflies that ascended to the heavens.

The greatest thing you'll ever learn

is just to love and expect nothing in return

And I'm so fucking waiting to get the action figure so I can put it everywhere. In the car, on my desk at the office (if I still get the job), definitely EVERYWHERE!!!

She's just my idol.

Fuck it. I'm gone.

piracy? for or against?

2005-10-09T03:20:00.000+07:00

You know, when I was in France (ohmygod, it was 2 years ago!), we had to tell each other about our own country, the specialty and everything, and being an Indonesian and totally proud of that fact, obviously I had to bring up the subject of piracy.

Sure sure, there were quite a lot of Africans (I'm NOT a racist) selling pirated Louis Vuitton's murakamis and everything, even in Nice. But Indonesia (or Jakarta) is probably home to the piracy cult.

Personally, I'm sooooo into piracy. Okay, so I never wear pirated stuffs (whenever I buy apparels, they're never pirated, it's all about prestige and pride). But when it comes to DVDs and songs, oh hell yeah, I buy pirated DVDs and I download MP3s and I even download porn from the net (whole movies, from 700 mb up to 2 gb... For real. I'm lucky to have cable, so it's a 24/7 access).

For DVDs and songs, I have my own justification. I mean, hey, the real DVDs cost at least USD 12, and I don't mind paying that much if the movies that I'm looking for are available.

But the fact is, they're not available. Where did you think I get the Hillary Swank's "Boys Don't Cry"? Or Jolie's really rare "Gia"? Or Tim Burton's "Nightmare Before Christmas"? Or festival films that I bought just to see the hardcore parts sans censorship?

~ Talking about festival film genres, I'm a mainstream Hollywood person, and I am never into festival films. So sorry if I sound so mainstream, but I am and I am not afraid to say that. I respect made-for-festival movies and the directors, though. But let's just say that some are sooo shitty that they're called art. And they call me stupid. ~.

Anywho, I buy pirated DVDs because of the availabilty, and the fact that one really good movie (with a really high quality) only costs me less than USD 1.00 (imagine that!!!).

Meanwhile, as for MP3s, I do love to collect CDs, I mean the non-pirated CDs. Because I love looking at and reading the booklet while listening to the CD (of course not when I'm driving). I don't buy pirated CDs because strangely enough, I don't listen to them. Probably that's because there's no booklet.

But there are singles and tracks that are not being sold here in Indonesia. The recording companies here (like BMG or Warner Music Indonesia or EMI Indonesia) only sell albums, never singles. So the solution? WinMX!
(now that it's dead, why not try Morpheus? I just downloaded it and it works amazingly for porn videos and MP3s. To focus on MP3s, Arancia suggested SoulSeek.)

So there! I love piracy! But when it comes to clothes and accessories, you can believe that they're as real as my 3200 Acer Ferrari (I bought it a year ago).

My God, I sound like a snotty little bitch.

I love myself.

une vie propre

2005-10-02T21:48:00.000+07:00

Umm... Okay. I think I forgot to make a resolution for the year 2005. I know that it's more than a half way to the end of 2005, but I don't think there's such a thing as too late. And anyway, it's not like until 3 months more that we'll see the end of 2005.

So, I am going to make an honest resolution. Or maybe a few honest resolutions. Afterall, this life is about promises, right? Here goes.

Start wearing braces again. I've really ugly set of teeth
Control my spending. I just bought a USD 90 Esprit jacket and I'm gonna spend another USD 215 for that goddamn Dior Flight bracelet. Okay, so that's for next month... But that's it. As for ties, I'm going to borrow Dad's.
Never be afraid to ask or learn new and cool stuffs. Like Photoshop or photography. Photography turns out to be so cool. I mean, really... It's just so cool.
Believe in love. The last one is just the hardest.

Well, anyway...

"Everytime"
-performed by Janet Jackson

I'm afraid I'm starting to feel
What I said I would not do
The last time really hurt me
I'm scared to fall in love
Afraid to love so fast
'Cause everytime I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause everytime I see your face
My heart does begin to race every time

One half want me to go
Other half wants me to stay
I just get so all confused
I'm scared to fall in love
Afraid to love so fast
'Cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

But every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time...
My heart does begin to race every time

I'm scared to fall in love
Afraid to love so fast
'Cause every time I fall in love
It seems to never last

Every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time I see your face
My heart does begin to race every time

Every time your love is near
And every time I'm filled with fear
'Cause every time I see your face
Could it be that this will be the one that lasts

The fear does start to erase every time
Oh could it be that this will be the one that lasts

For all my times
For all my times

(another) bomb in paradise

2005-10-01T21:55:00.000+07:00

We went to Bali earlier this year. Four of my college girlfriends and me.

It was a cool experience, well HOT experience to put it literally. And I kind of nagged all the time when they went shopping (don't get me wrong, I LOVE shopping, but not at markets buying ethnic things when you're supposed to bargain. I love malls with chic and black things that can boost me elegantly).

Anyway, it was nice. We went to this Paddy's Bar memorial (bombed on 12 October 2002, killed off 202 people and injuring at least 209). We prayed that it would be over and people could get over it and we could rebuild our lives.

But it happened again. Just today.

Trouble in Paradise. This could get us fucked up. I mean, I work in the tourism industry. We were so busy promoting the safety of our hotel, so busy promoting the safety of our nation (avian influenza, anarchistic rally against the increase in gas prices) and then this shit happened.

People are going to get laid off. People are going to be unable to feed their family. Which in the end will bring... drums please...

An even more catastrophic turbulent in the journey of this country.

I wonder how they're doing in Gaza.

life is a cartoon show

2005-09-25T21:05:00.000+07:00

Okay, so probably not...

But I have to admit that my life is indeed a mache of cartoon shows.

I am so in love with cartoons. I've adored Spongebob Squarepants long before it went and became a hit, I love Nickelodeon's runs of The Fairly Oddparents, Ren & Stimpy, Wild Thornberries, Aaah! Real Monsters, My Life As A Teenage Robot, The Simpsons, Angry Beavers, Cow & Chicken, I Am Weasel, Ed-Edd-and Eddy, you know, just the likes.

And at the same time, those cartoons really change me. I'm starting to make really cartoonish gestures (and some just labelled me as childish. and stupidly, I'm okay with it, hey, everyone's amazed to know that I'm 22).

So I'm just gonna talk about the three cartoon characters who really influence my life.

The first one is Squidward Tentacles from "Spongebob Squarepants". I don't know why, but my friends tell me that I'm so Squidward-ish, as in so cynical. I am so not cynical, I am a compassionate, affectionate person! (Okay, so Squidward also thinks of himself like that, right? Plus artsy. But still I don't think I'm *that* Squidward. I'm more of an eager mcbeaver Spongebob...)

The second one is Red Guy from Cartoon Network's "Cow & Chicken" and "I Am Weasel". This one is a really unique character. I can't even type anything here since I can't find a way to really describe him. He's just so weird and maniacal and he's pantless.

The third one is the ever adorable Lisa Simpson from "The Simpsons". The family is so much like my family, they're so different. Okay, so Dad doesn't drink beer and he's an accountant (and we're filthy rich). Mom doesn't dye his hair blue and we don't have twin aunts. But still, whenever I watch The Simpsons, I remember my family.

Lisa is a vegetarian (yay!) and a buddhist. She's wise beyond her years and although intelligent and rational, did evil and silly thing when she was in love (she was slapped out of it, figuratively speaking). She plays saxophone (I used to play piano, but not anymore). And she is the only character in The Simpsons without a catchphrase. All in all, she's just fabulous.

So, tonight's blogging is about cartoon characters who (kind of) represent my life.

walk in the park

2005-09-25T03:08:00.000+07:00

All boy school.

I got six years of education at an all-boy-school. It's a catholic school and I enjoyed it. Got to know lots of guys and most of all, a really cute chick-guy called Pandu.

I'm posting his picture right here. Hehe... (I should've taken our pic together, right?)

He's got the most gorgeous nails (and eyebrows) that you'll ever see (in a guy). He's this witty, cynical, great-to-be-with-if-you-can-understand-him guy. Sort of like Garfield the Cat. But with poise and class. No, I'm not overrating him.

In short, he's my soulmate. Over the years, when I first got into junior high in 1994 until now. So it's been more than a decade. We got into the same senior high (still same-sex ed, no girls.. YAY!) and we got into the same university (University of Indonesia, the best there is in Indonesia, and NO, unlike many rich and brainless trash, we didn't pay our way in, we simply studied and with a bit of luck, we got in).

It's been... months since I met him but I just went home from watching A Sound of Thunder (boring *yawns*) with him last Friday and we went out again watching Jodie Foster's "Flightplan" (kind of cool, but not as supercool as "Panic Room").

And it was a fun experience. Two sissies, yes, we're fucking proud of being gorgeously feminine, cruising around and roaming around town, prodding every level of fashion violation and cursing at every bisexual.

Awesome night with an awesome friend.

Oh, and I just had a haircut. I'll post the picture later...

Ciao!

oh brother

2005-09-25T02:26:00.000+07:00

Let me tell you about a little grudge of mine.

Well, not really a grudge. Just a slight of a... well, something.

I was born to a very mixed family. Mom was initially a moslem, and then she converted into a christian. She is now the most devout christian among us. Mom's family stays moslems and therefore we celebrate Eid Ul-Fitr (or something like that) and other big islamic holidays with Mom's side of the family (big family gathering with lots of exotic food). Mom's Sundanese-Palembang.

Dad's family is a christian. We're protestant. So that means each year we get to get a huge family gathering (since my dad has lots of siblings). Christmas is my favorite time of the year because I got to meet lots of my aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews. Granted, some are real pain in the ass (especially the little ones) but they're okay. Dad's Ambonese-Dutch.

Dad met Mom at the Faculty of Economics of University of Indonesia. The best Faculty of Economics there is in Indonesia (I'm saying it with a bit of cynicism since many of the graduates are real snob assholes - except Mom). Mom is from a city named Cirebon and Dad is from Bogor.

They met and then they got married after a while (I forgot the date of the wedding ceremony and everything), and after a year, my sister was born. She was born 10 years earlier ahead of me and 5 years earlier ahead of my big bro. She is now 32 years old, beautiful, independent, but has never been into a relationship. If you're interested, just contact me, okay? I'm not gonna be a pimp, but everynight I kind of pray for her (and Mom). Mostly about my sister getting a decent guy. She teaches English.

Now, I want to tell you about my brother. My bro is a very special person. I don't know the whole story, but it seemed like Mom got a tiny miscarriage and my brother was born physically normal, but mentally disabled.

I am not quite sure about the medical term, so I put it as in "autism" when it comes to people asking, since I don't know. But I don't think it's autism, and again, I'm not sure if it is. But it's a concept that most people know, just to keep them from asking too much since I don't know.

I know, "He's your brother! How can you not know?" I just dont... Sorry for that.

Anyway, he attended the special school for mentally disabled children. He graduated senior high school years ago and has been doing painting. He's been taking painting classes and everything and his painting is about abstract things.

He seems to know what the paintings are all about and he's very proud about each and every painting. Just the way I would be when I got a really high score on a math quiz.

I've decided to tell you the story about my special brother because he just turned 27 on 21 September 2005. (I bought him a painting set, my first salary).

To tell you the truth, I keep my affection inside the closet. I got strong connection with him. I remembered one time, when we would go to our villa in the mountain each week. Dad & Bro would go there first and Mom would pick me up at school and we would go there after. I was in the car, sleeping, Mom was driving, and suddenly I woke up and called my Bro's name (his name's "Audi"). Mom asked me whether I'd been sleep-talking and I said no.

I later found out that exactly at that time, my bro cut his finger.

When I was 12, I went on a homestay program in England. And then I got lost. I don't know why, but the first person who entered my thought when finally the bus I (finally) rode (finally) went through the streets I recognized - the first person was my bro and how I just cried thinking how I'd miss him.

And now I still keep my affection inside the closet.

I cherish my family. I am lucky to be born into this family. I am proud of my family, of the differences, of everything.

Of Dad trying so hard to accomodate us, working hard until we're this rich and he's still around to help us.

Of Mom's trying so hard to be the best for all of us, to motivate us, to help us learn that things weren't so good in their times and we must not take things for granted because now we have the chance that she didn't have.

Of my sister, her aloneness, and maybe her loneliness and still she survives independently.

And of course, of my brother, that because of him, I learn to respect all things in life, I learn the differences of people in life, I learn one of the greatest challenges in life. Whenever I look at him, it seems like he's somewhere out there, somewhere peaceful and serene. In a place where war and conflicts are alien. In a place where happiness roams freely and God's there.

If there's one thing I am proud of, it is surely my family.

R.I.P. Poussy Tuanakotta (September 1994 - 20 November 2004).

freaky future

2005-09-10T01:00:00.000+07:00

You know what you know what you know what????

I just met this really nice lady! She's an editor from a famous Indonesian magazine. And... And oh my God.

I even forgot how it started. We were like chatting and laughing so happily and I didn't even feel awkward like with the media people I've met before.

You see, I deal with journalists. I invite them to come over to the hotel I work for and so they come over, do a bit of an interview with the people in charge (for example, if they want to do some news with our restaurants, they usually interview the chefs or the restaurant managers).

Well, I don't really invite them. I mean, I've a partner (a senior one) who does that, but I'm learning (fast... sheesh).

So, she was doing a coverage for our Ramadhan (and Tuna) promotion, right? And we were just chatting and laughing and out of the blue, I kind of offered her my hand so she can read my palm.

And then my partner offered her palm too and... all of a sudden, she just "read" us. I mean, she really "read" us. Our past experiences, our moods, everything.

And the final thing is, guess what she said? I was like, not really caring about having boyfriends, right? And she saw that right through me. She told me that I wasn't being serious and that I was prioritizing my work at the mean time.

BOY, THAT'S LIKE... SO F*ING TRUE!!! I mean, who in the world needs men?

Okay, umm... yeah, right. Well, anyway, the point is...

She "read" us! And she "read" me!!

I did stand in a conjuction, though. She said two things that divided my moods into two very different emotions. The first one is, "You'll get a boyfriend, but not right now, and probably not soon..."

Okay.

And then she said, "But don't worry. And when I say, 'don't worry', I mean it." And I was relieved again.

She later revealed that my future boyfriend would be a Catholic Javanese. Of course the guys at the office couldn't stop teasing me about it. So, any takers, anyone?

And there's this new cute guy in the sales office. But then again, he's married. DARN IT!

I mean, married guys (or even guys who like girls) are totally off limit.

Totally.

Over and out. I'm so sleepy. I went home late because I watched a friend of mine performing with his indie band. Well, I got there late because I was stuck with work. So I when I went to the venue where the band played, I missed the show. And I just got home like at 00.00...

I need to sleep.

Tale from the Toilet Booth

2005-09-07T20:55:00.000+07:00

Have you ever had a day when everything was just shitty?

Well, literally *eewww!!*

Anyway, the day was very well and we had laughters and everything and I was not stressed out (I was working good and even finished the five page article thing... yay!)

And then it was at about 19.00 that I had a bowel movement. I mean, MAJOR bowel movement. I was telling myself, "No no, this can't be happening... can't you at least hold on a bit longer???"

But I couldn't... and ran to the toilet.

Now, I am an Indonesian, right? And in Indonesia, we use water to wipe ourselves down there. You know, to make it cleaner a lot. And I even use soap. But the toilet in the office's restroom doesn't even have water. Employees must use only the toilets for the employees. And the condition's pretty crappy.

So, after I was done with it, I looked at the tissue roller, right?

And you know what I saw?

Bloody hell... it was empty. THERE WAS NO FREAKING TISSUE!!!

How I seriously wish it were this way:

But it wasn't!!! I did find a bit of a tissue on the floor (which looked clean without any traces of icky things) and so I pathetically used it to clean myself. AND IT WAS SOO TINY!!!

So yeah, you know how the story ended... I didn't really wear my bikini briefs the right way. I sort of just let it all drop a bit so it didn't touch my hole. *sorry for the harsh language*

And thank God my boss said that my job was done and she told me to go home and take some rest. So I did. And the first thing I did was to.. check my e-mails and then went straight to shower after cleaning myself with quite a lot of water and soap. *And I thought I was an environmentalist... not when it comes to that, I guess...*

Just wanted to share you that. Haha...

Ciao.

sadness in September

2005-09-05T21:18:00.000+07:00

Oh my freak. Work overload todee...

We don't have TV in the room, right? So I was working and going up and down (there's this hair show at the ballroom and I should go down there to watch and make press release out of it to be sent to the media). Anyway, suddenly a colleague just talked about an airplane crash.

And I was like, "What?"

ANOTHER TRAGEDY IN SEPTEMBER.

Two years ago, it was the JW Marriott bombing (also my hotel's competitor), a year ago, it was the Australian Embassy bombing. This one might be an accident and not an act of terrorism, but still...

The plane went crashing down on a neighbourhood. So not only did the accident kill all the passengers, it also killed the people down below because it crashed down on houses (and cars).

I always hate that.

There was also one time when I was yo... Wait, I AM STILL YOUNG*runs to the mirror to start making plans on botox-ing*

One time when I was still a little boy, an accident like this also occured. A plane crashed down on a housing complex.

Scary, huh?

I'm not into flying, actually. I did (do) want to be an astronaut, but I have a terrible fear of flying, height, math, physics, chemistry, go figure.

I'm sleeeeeeppppyy... Went to bed late last night... I mean this morning. Had a fun talk with a guy I like. Too bad he's short and younger. *that's a hint: I like my guys older and tall!*

Ciao.

to DIe fOR

2005-09-04T02:49:00.000+07:00

Was just checking Dior.com and there's this new collection, it's called Dior Flight (I was murmuring something to the nice Dior salesgirl, "It's something like Dior Airport or Dior Baggage or something!" that is so brainless). It's so cute! But then again, Dior Golf didn't make it here (dang!). It made to Malaysia but I was too late. I'm not into traveling, so it was a one chance when Dad got to go to Kuala Lumpur (KL) and the rest of us sort of tagged along.

KL is NOT a shopping destination. I'd rather go shopping in Jakarta. If you want to go shopping, go to St. Tropez. The whole city is a bazaar. Just make sure you get there before the siesta.

That's the cuff. I want that cuff. I'm gonna blow my whole salary on that cuff. *cursing fervently*

driving...

2005-09-04T01:16:00.000+07:00

That black Vios in the middle of the night... Speeding and cutting through cars, changing lanes.

Was I lamely unbeatable or simply because everyone was enjoying the night with their loved one on the passenger seat?

The Saturday night fever. It's not really the clubbing fever that I'm afraid of. It's more like the being-lonely-fever.

Just got back from watching Red Eye. Thought it was amazing. Simply amazing. Okay, so I'm probably being too subjective. But hey, a movie is a manifestation of art, right? And appreciating art is a highly subjective thing. I just love Rachel McAdams. And Cillian Murphy is just one of the very few young actors whom I adore and respect (I don't normally adore young males).

Feeling too cheesy to write you the synopsis / review, so just go and watch it, okay?

It's a lot of fun, really. And I watched it with my friends from church (I met them during my confirmation class - am a protestant). We've been together since 2001 and we still are. Well, we were once a big class and now there's only like three of us who're still together.

So I did the usual stuff like everyone when he gets his first paycheck (yay!)... the food was on me, the movie was on me, the parking ticket was on me and all of a sudden a sharp pang of panic grasped me... I don't think I'm gonna make it for the whole month (gasp).

Joking.

Anyway, we went to Plaza Senayan first. I was looking for a new pair of serious looking glasses and ended up buying a pair of Levi's (I hate Levi Strauss jeans, but the glasses are okay). The people of Optik Tunggal are so very nice. While the people of Optik Seis are a bunch of pigs who don't know that the retail industry is also a hospitality industry: you have to serve your clients!

Gonna post the new glasses (just the glasses? I thought you were going to do the shameless self promotion thing in order to get a boyfriend) later.

I didn't get the thing I really need, though (an organizer, where I can put my business card and my clients' business cards with some papers that I can write on and just look professional... ooh... a corporate biyotch). Gotta start looking for it umm... this morning. Yeah, gonna go shopping again. *kissing paycheck*

And there was the trailer of this movie by Tim Burton (it's gonna be huge!! HUGE I TELL YOU!!) and it's called Corpse Bride.

I was soooo awestruck with Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas. It was just a masterpiece. And he always teams up with that genius Danny Elfman. Okay, I admit, so Elfman's scores sound kind of the same. You can tell that it's Elfman (in a noncreative way) when you listen to scores from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, Batman Returns, and Nightmare Before Christmas. But I don't mind.

So anyway, after I dropped off my friends at their homes (or at least close to their homes), I drove home, only to split-secondly change my mind and drive away, circling the business districts (Sudirman and Thamrin) for a while. Cruising and speeding... Just like I told you in the first paragraph: the black Vios. That's me. Driving like a drunken idiot when the only things I drank were a bottle of mineral water, a glass of lemonade, and a glass of tea.

I just love speeding. And it was then that I realized that I was alone. And lonely... I used to say, "Oh, I'm too busy to have a boyfriend," or, "I can have a boyfriend anytime I like!"

Well, it's true that I'm not really looking for anyone. It's just that I don't know where to start. I do have an account at Gaydar and Fridae, but the people who sent me messages (and hearts) were travelling expatriates. Ugh... no offence to expats, but I am quite a sticky rice and I sure don't want my man to be traveling all the time.

I need to settle down.

I mean, like hey, I have a great life: a good job, sufficient salary, helluva family, hearthy home, a body to die for with a pair of legs to match (in case you didn't know, I'm gay and girls just envy my body)... And what, I don't have a boyfriend?

Is it because of my hair? Is it because of my nose? My cheeks? Is it because I intimidate? Is it because I'm too feminine? Whoa wait, then again:

I'd rather stay single and be a sissy
than have boyfriends and be something I'm not.

Anyway, I've Heidi to accompany me. She sleeps on my desktop monitor. Thank God she doesn't sleep on my Acer Ferrari.

Laterz. I need to shower! Been eating like a boar today...

mood swings...

2005-09-02T22:22:00.000+07:00

Yeah! Things change instantly.

Okay, so probably not things, but moods.

I dastardly dove into shallow water on September 1st that I went and hit my head and suffered breakdowns (not literally). I was strumming and humming songs from Alanis Morissette's "Mary Jane" to Alex Parks's "Cry"... I know, I know. Life was a bit sad.

And you know what I did, right? I slept on it all. I slept off it all, to be exact. Wait, that doesn't even sound gramatically right. Well, anyway.

And then I got into this transitional phase since I obviously slept too much that I began losing hold on the reality and I thought that the shitty day of September 1st was just a dream.

Of course that's not a good thing. What if I suddenly went on a real homicidal rampant and slept it all off and claimed it was all a dream? (Okay, not like that would happen or anything).

My God, I love this song...

"GOLDEN"

[Intro:]
Heyyy, Ohh, Heyyy, Yeah, Ohh, Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeahhhh

[Verse 1]
I'm taking my freedom,
Pulling it off the shelf,
Putting it on my chain,
Wear it around my neck,

I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my car,
Wherever I choose to go,
It will take me far,

[Chorus]
I'm livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden, (3x)

Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,
Livin' my life like it's golden, (4x)
Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,

[Verse 2]
I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song,
Singing loud and strong,
Grooving all day long,

I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my stroll,
I'll be high-steppin' y'all,
Letting the joy unfold,

[Chorus]

I'm holding on to my freedom,
Can't take it from me,
I was born into it,
It comes naturally,

I'm strumming my own freedom,
Playing the god in me,
Representing His glory,
Hope He's proud of me,

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I'm living my life like its golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, (2x)

[Chorus]

[Jill Scott:]
Livin' my life like it's golden,
It really matters to me, Ohhh

[Bridge (5x)]

Fur is NOT Fashion!

2005-09-02T14:26:00.000+07:00

I wear leather because I eat beef. I don't wear fur since I don't eat minxes or chinchillas or even dogs and cats (yes, bear in mind that the guys over in China eat anything and I do mean ANYTHING - you've heard about SARS, right? Go figure - and China is the largest fur exporting country in the world, so you may claim that you love cats but you're wearing fur that might just come from cats).

And I suppose that's a good justification. I know it's kind of cruel. If you've seen the movie War of The Worlds (I hate Tom Cruise but the movie's okay), you'll get to know how it'd feel to be a calf or a cow waiting to be slaughtered.

You'd feel that fright. Extreme fright, knowing that the end is near. And if you haven't prepared yourself and your soul, you're gonna pee and even poop in your pants.

But these animals, they're so ready to be butchered. Yes they feel scared, but they've prepared their souls.

I guess it's true that all cows (and all animals) go to heaven.

And I'm writing this as if I were a vegetarian.

I own Dior things. Some of them are made from leather. And I do travel on this guilt lane of inner-confrontations and intercontradiction.

I have nine cats at home and I am a self-confessed animal lover.

So why do I eat meat?

I eat meat because I need the nutrition (I don't eat at KFC's or Wendy's anymore, knowing that those franchises are psyhopathic when it comes to dealing with animals). I was once a vegetarian and I lost 5 kg in one month. I'm already skinny so I don't think I want to be skinnier.

So anyway, I'm in the middle of this... big dilemma when I eat meat and wearing leather since I want to be a vegetarian but I can't. Or probably I need to consult to a nutritionist first so I can be a vegetarian and not lose weight.

But when all's done, what'll ever happen to my Dior stuffs? Okay okay, so the whole point is probably prestige and self-pity. *kicks own ass*

The above picture is of John Galliano. He's the designer of Dior (if you don't know). He's like... so far away there in Europe where it has winter.

Now the disturbing fact is, people in Indonesia (my country) have been adopting fur as their way of dressing. That bitchy Oscar Lawalata for example. I once held the highest respect on him, and then I saw a review of his fashion show. He used fur.

And then that... chief editor (or owner) of Harper's Bazaar Indonesia. I forgot who the brainless ho's name. She wore fur with Stella McCartney (obviously she was not aware that Stella McCartney is one of the biggest antifur fashion activists). Hah! And that chief editor / owner claims herself a fashionista / trend setter.

GO TO F*CKING HELL, BIYOTCH!

Oh, and she suggested the name "socialista" instead of "socialite" in the magazine since someone actually uses the name "socialite" for his/her boutique. My God, and I thought I was dumb.

I'm just so... terribly annoyed by the fact that Indonesians living in Indonesia with the coldest temperature being only 14 degree celcius (in air-conditioned rooms in Jakarta, the biggest, most modern commercial city in Indonesia and the capital city of Indonesia) or 14 degree celcius in the mountains FEEL THE NEED TO ADD AND WEAR FUR IN THE FASHION TREND.

Seriously, I love fashion, I love fashion shows. And as long as I am there, there shall be no fur in the fashion shows at my hotel.

Ever.

single again?

2005-09-02T03:08:00.000+07:00

Okay, so actually the title doesn't really fit, since I have been single for over a year now with a completely sexless life since... Oh wait, no no, I did have one night of debauchery like 3 months ago with someone when my parents were away. Just thinking about it makes me wet again.

Possibly one of the greatest sex I've ever had. Hope it's not gonna be my last.

Anyway, I still can't sleep, I haven't eaten, haven't taken a bath, haven't planned anything with my life for this Friday (I'm a planner... I do live spontaneously, but when it comes to money and driving and other things like career and love, I plan!)... Have you watched that movie, umm... well, THOSE movies, actually. The first one is Practical Magic and the second one is Life or Something Like It (FYI, I love movies of those types, except if it's hugely popular like J. Lo or something or too teen-chick-flickish like Amanda Bynes's What A Girl Wants).

Well, in those two movies, the main characters (Sandra Bullock's in Practical Magic and Angelina Jolie's in Life) both had a turning point in ther lives. Bullock's character's was when her husband died and Jolie's was when she realized that she was going to die.

And do you know what they did?

They both didn't do the things they usually do. Like, Bullock's character stayed in bed all day when she was usually active and Jolie's ate pizza when she had a strict diet.

And they both didn't take a shower.

So I guess, I'm gonna go their way. To hell with those who say that it's only a movie.

Oh yeah, and about my being single. Hmm... I don't think I'm gonna write it right now since I'm sooo sleepy and hungry. I think I'm gonna go clean up a few things and eat and then go to bed.

The painting's by Avigail Yoresh, it's called "Lonely With A Cat". It really describes me. I get lonely now and then, but my cats are always there to accompany me... Well, most of the times when they're not away having fun.

Click here for more info on the painting.

trouble at work

2005-09-02T02:13:00.000+07:00

Okay, so this is my first entry, and already it is about some problems in the office. Well, guess what? I did have a pretty nice blog and I deleted it because when I went home, I didn't really feel like writing a happy journal. I write journals when I'm sad (and lonely) anyway. Like when I was in France for homestay, I wrote things in my diary like crazy since I didn't really have anything else to do. No no, I am not a loner. I had lots of friends there and I actually did lots of things, but I had more spare times that I usually have in my hometown (Jakarta), so I wrote.

And I've side-tripped from my original plan on opening this blog.

Yeah! Trouble at work!

You see, I work for this big five star diamond hotel (we earned that diamond thing, we didn't buy that diamond thing, unlike many other hotels), in the communications department.

In my job, I am expected to be able to do multiple things: designing, writing press releases, building and maintaining relationships with the press, and photography.

The salary's good (which is too much for me since I feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile). And the things I did have been... quite shitty. I mean, I am kind of good in writing press releases and doing some crappy designing stuffs, and today's been well over a month since my first day, and I just got this assignment to take photos of the upper level managers.

Guess what? I did take photos, but those photos were... sooooo bad that my boss went beserk on me.

Can't blame her though. I mean, my superior (who is also more superior in handling the SLR digital camera) instructed me to use this speed with this aperture and all that schnitzits. So I did. And the outcome was darn too bright photos. And we had to retouch the whole stuff.

And I also can't blame my superior because he was trying to help and I was too daft to actually try to be proactive and fix the goddamn aperture / speed thing. I did do it in the end (the last two persons I took was quite okay and my boss said that one of them was good, which did nothing to my feeling blue because she was obviously mad at me and disappointed at my job. UGH!)

So here I am, at 02.23 in the morning, have been mercilessly trying to crack the code of blogspot (been done nicely, I guess) and I'm finally able to type away my grudge.

Oh oh, and the shitzy thing is, you know, I just got my first salary, right? And I was ready to spend it because today's a public holiday (islamic holiday called Isra Mi'raj, don't really know what it is about). I was sooo ready to spend it but then my mood is completely ruined.

I can't go on a shopping spree on a (large) sum of money from my so-called salary because I don't think I'm worth it (since I did a crappy job).

So I'm gonna wait till Saturday (yes, this darned hotel makes the employees go to work on Saturdays! But only half day), to see whether the mood and emotion of my boss (which will also affect my mood and emotion) have changed. And I mean positively. I hope that all's forgiven and I'm ready to dazzle them with my talent.

Wait, WHAT TALENT?

Oh well, I'm gonna need some wine so I can sleep peacefully sans nightmare.

Ciao.