feline quality friendship

Today marks a year of a family member who died. A very close friend of mine. A lover.

A cat.

Her name is Poussy. I wrote this for her about a year ago. I don't think I can ever write anything like this. I hope you can find something to be learned.

Poussy Tuanakotta
1 October 1994 - 20 November 2004

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This year won’t be the same. Not with someone who’d always greet me at the door whenever I come home. Not with someone who’d always accompany my Mom everytime I went out. Not with someone who’d offer me her big goo goo eyes and an attitude that made me laugh everytime I was down.

It all started in July 2003. I found out that Poussy, our then 9 year old cat, had a cancer under her back skin. She got it surgically removed twice, because the first one wasn’t thorough and left a bit of it which grew again. After the second surgery, she courageously went through a set of chemotherapy, and we thought the storm was over.

In September 2004, after a calm year, Poussy showed multiple symptoms. She had a fever and didn’t want to eat. We had to take her to the veterinarian where she was hospitalized. And since then, her condition deteriorated. She became very thin, and even had more difficulty to walk.

And the result came. The veterinarian found that there was an object in her stomach, and it turned out to be a tumor. Apparently, the tumor had metastased and spread all over her intestines and lungs. Even if the veterinarian had successfully removed that on her intestines, the one in her lungs would have stayed there. Shaken, my mom asked whether we could bring Poussy home, and the vet said yes.

At that time, I stopped listening and I did researches on the internet about tumor and cancer and alternative homeotherapy medicine. I found something that was claimed to be a miracle worker in cancer for humans and animals: flaxseed oil.

Even in Jakarta, western homeotherapy medicine was not very common and the directory on the internet didn’t help either. So I had to go to different places to ask whether they had flaxseed oil or not. After going to several places, I was successful. And in 21 years of my life, I felt that I could make a difference. I felt that I could save a life.

I began feeding her with flaxseed oil. I mixed it with the yellow of a half boiled egg, some milk, and bee pollen. I gave Poussy and myself a month. I didn’t want to think about euthanasia, I didn’t want to think about letting her go. I still had faith, and Poussy was doing well with the medication that I gave.

It was not until the third week, that I noticed that her urine was not healthy and she was very stubbron and didn’t let a single drop of food into her mouth. I cried everytime I forced a bit of the liquid into her mouth. It didn’t work.

That Friday, I called my mom at her shop and I told her that I didn’t want to see her suffer more, and Mom asked me to ease Poussy’s suffering by putting her to sleep. I finally agreed and spent the rest of the day with her, under my bed. She didn’t even have the strength to climb up and sleep on her favorite spot. I noticed that she was very ill and pale and thin, and she was struggling to breathe. She looked at me as if to tell me to let her go.

Finally, Saturday morning came. I put her in the rotan basket I had prepared the day earlier, and my family prayed. I was devastated. I was torn between the guilt of quitting and the ego of making her suffer just so I can be with her longer.

On the way to the veterinarian, she showed me her final gift of compassion. As I held her inside the box on my lap, she gave her last breath.

Thoughts were running as if a video were being played in my head: the first time I saw her being brought home as a tiny, undernourished kitten, the hours I spent playing with her even to some extent hurting her whenever I got the Elmyra kick, the dependence, the independence, the trust, the attitude, the way she would untangle my red ribbons, and my escapism when I broke up with my boyfriend. Even as a kitten, she was fearless to confront humans who are goliath to her lilliput.

Her final gift to me is the gift of releasing me from the guilt that would forever haunt me if I put her to sleep. With that gift, I learned that she is my cause, my lesson, my reason of living. With that gift, I learned the true meaning of friendship: unselfishness.

She taught me that nothing is too small to teach you how to live.

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1,000 Oceans
~ Tori Amos

These tears I've cried.
I've cried 1000 oceans.
And if it seems
I'm floatingin the darkness...
I can't believe that I would keep,
keep you from flying;
and I would cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes to sail you home,
sail you home.

I'm aware what the rules are.
But you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you
over Silbury Hill,
through the solar field.
You know that I will follow you.

And if I find you
will you still remember
playing at trains,
or does this little blue ball
just fade away?

Over Silbury Hill,
through the solar field,
you know that I will follow you.
I'm aware what the rules are,but you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you.

These tears I've cried.
I've cried 1000 oceans.
And if it seems I'm floating
in the darkness...
Well, I can't believe that I would keep,
keep you from flying.
So I will cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes to
sail you home,
sail you home,
sail you home.