dimanche, novembre 20, 2005

feline quality friendship


Today marks a year of a family member who died. A very close friend of mine. A lover.

A cat.

Her name is Poussy. I wrote this for her about a year ago. I don't think I can ever write anything like this. I hope you can find something to be learned.

in memoriam

Poussy Tuanakotta
1 October 1994 - 20 November 2004

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This year won’t be the same. Not with someone who’d always greet me at the door whenever I come home. Not with someone who’d always accompany my Mom everytime I went out. Not with someone who’d offer me her big goo goo eyes and an attitude that made me laugh everytime I was down.

It all started in July 2003. I found out that Poussy, our then 9 year old cat, had a cancer under her back skin. She got it surgically removed twice, because the first one wasn’t thorough and left a bit of it which grew again. After the second surgery, she courageously went through a set of chemotherapy, and we thought the storm was over.

In September 2004, after a calm year, Poussy showed multiple symptoms. She had a fever and didn’t want to eat. We had to take her to the veterinarian where she was hospitalized. And since then, her condition deteriorated. She became very thin, and even had more difficulty to walk.

And the result came. The veterinarian found that there was an object in her stomach, and it turned out to be a tumor. Apparently, the tumor had metastased and spread all over her intestines and lungs. Even if the veterinarian had successfully removed that on her intestines, the one in her lungs would have stayed there. Shaken, my mom asked whether we could bring Poussy home, and the vet said yes.

At that time, I stopped listening and I did researches on the internet about tumor and cancer and alternative homeotherapy medicine. I found something that was claimed to be a miracle worker in cancer for humans and animals: flaxseed oil.

Even in Jakarta, western homeotherapy medicine was not very common and the directory on the internet didn’t help either. So I had to go to different places to ask whether they had flaxseed oil or not. After going to several places, I was successful. And in 21 years of my life, I felt that I could make a difference. I felt that I could save a life.

I began feeding her with flaxseed oil. I mixed it with the yellow of a half boiled egg, some milk, and bee pollen. I gave Poussy and myself a month. I didn’t want to think about euthanasia, I didn’t want to think about letting her go. I still had faith, and Poussy was doing well with the medication that I gave.

It was not until the third week, that I noticed that her urine was not healthy and she was very stubbron and didn’t let a single drop of food into her mouth. I cried everytime I forced a bit of the liquid into her mouth. It didn’t work.

That Friday, I called my mom at her shop and I told her that I didn’t want to see her suffer more, and Mom asked me to ease Poussy’s suffering by putting her to sleep. I finally agreed and spent the rest of the day with her, under my bed. She didn’t even have the strength to climb up and sleep on her favorite spot. I noticed that she was very ill and pale and thin, and she was struggling to breathe. She looked at me as if to tell me to let her go.

Finally, Saturday morning came. I put her in the rotan basket I had prepared the day earlier, and my family prayed. I was devastated. I was torn between the guilt of quitting and the ego of making her suffer just so I can be with her longer.

On the way to the veterinarian, she showed me her final gift of compassion. As I held her inside the box on my lap, she gave her last breath.

Thoughts were running as if a video were being played in my head: the first time I saw her being brought home as a tiny, undernourished kitten, the hours I spent playing with her even to some extent hurting her whenever I got the Elmyra kick, the dependence, the independence, the trust, the attitude, the way she would untangle my red ribbons, and my escapism when I broke up with my boyfriend. Even as a kitten, she was fearless to confront humans who are goliath to her lilliput.

Her final gift to me is the gift of releasing me from the guilt that would forever haunt me if I put her to sleep. With that gift, I learned that she is my cause, my lesson, my reason of living. With that gift, I learned the true meaning of friendship: unselfishness.

She taught me that nothing is too small to teach you how to live.


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Tori Amos - 1,000 Oceans

1,000 Oceans
~ Tori Amos

These tears I've cried.
I've cried 1000 oceans.
And if it seems
I'm floatingin the darkness...
I can't believe that I would keep,
keep you from flying;
and I would cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes to sail you home,
sail you home.

I'm aware what the rules are.
But you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you
over Silbury Hill,
through the solar field.
You know that I will follow you.

And if I find you
will you still remember
playing at trains,
or does this little blue ball
just fade away?

Over Silbury Hill,
through the solar field,
you know that I will follow you.
I'm aware what the rules are,but you know that I will run.
You know that I will follow you.

These tears I've cried.
I've cried 1000 oceans.
And if it seems I'm floating
in the darkness...
Well, I can't believe that I would keep,
keep you from flying.
So I will cry 1000 more
if that's what it takes to
sail you home,
sail you home,
sail you home.

lundi, novembre 14, 2005

the path


*Just bought Tori Amos's Tales of a Librarian. It's AMAZING!*

Exorcism of Emily Rose

For those of you who haven't watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose, please do watch it. Don't watch it because you want some excitement of spinechilling specters like those in the completely silly The Eye or The Ring or whatever.

Watch it because you want to know more about wisdom.

I am not a fan of horror movies since I'm a real chickenshit. But this one is amazing. I've been a fan of Jennifer Carpenter since White Chicks and I when I knew that it was her playing Emily Rose, I became intrigued and the movie is very satisfactory.

One scene that I won't forget was when Erin Bruner (the lawyer, played amazingly by Laura Linney, as usual) found the gold locket when she was just taking a walk. The gold locket had the initials ECB, the very same initial that Erin has (Erin Christine Bruner). She said that of all the people who walked there, only she had found the locket.

She added that no matter how many sins she's committed, right then and there, she was walking on the right path, the path that lead her to finding that gold locket with her initials inscribed on it.

Everything happens for a reason.

God puts everything right in God's time.

I firmly believe in those two sentences.

There are stories, personal stories that support the sentences. But the most recent one just happened a few hours ago.

I love cats. I adore cats. I think of myself as a cat.

I went home after circling the housing area near Thamrin, since I remembered that I once discovered a secluded house of a dermathologist, and I kind of need a consultation. My trusted dermatologist only operates during 09.00 - 17.00 on Mondays to Fridays and 09.00 - 14.00 on Saturdays. The exact times when I am at the office.

I found the house of the doctor and she only works until 18.00. Fuckin' Great. So I went to a store to buy my usual facial care kit and then went home.

About 5 meters to home, I saw something on the road. I'm always paranoid of things on the road, and that night, my fear was true.

It was a cat. A kitten to be more exact. Of about 5 months. Lying dead. A hit-and-run victim. Her head was broken. And she was still warm.

I stopped my car at an instant and jumped down off my car. I don't care about other cars honking behind me. There was still another lane and they could use that lane. I ran to the kitten and ran back to my car to open the trunk, took anything I can take to cover the body and I found a thick paper.

I ran back to the kitten, placed her on the paper and carried her to my car. I put her on my lap and tried to start the engine.

It won't start. My mind raced to superstitions. People say that bad things happen to people who commit road kills, especially to cats. I didn't do the road kill. And why did it happen to me?

I prayed and tried again but it didn't work.

It was only 5 meters away and there were two people and they helped me push my car to home. One of the people reminded me to bury the kitten with the shirt that I had on. It was my NEXT shirt, the one I wore to my catechism ceremony in 2001 and it bore many memories, but at that moment, it didn't matter. It still doesn't matter until now.

After we've burried the kitten, I phoned my parents and Mom told me to call the 24 hour service. I phoned and they came about two hours later.

It turned out that my car battery was at the brink of death. My car is a year and a half old, and it's about time that I replace the battery.

That kitten. That car. That battery.

What if I hadn't stopped by to buy some soap and a CD? What if I hadn't called an affectionate friend who confided in me about the discrimination he got because of his sexual orientation? (He works at Astra Motors Indonesia, the very same company from which I bought my car, the very same company who came to service my car). What if I hadn't sent him an important SMS message to trigger him to give me a misscall and triggered me to call him back?

What if I hadn't come home that late? What if I had come home five minutes earlier when the kitten was still alive? What if I hadn't found the kitten? What if I hadn't stopped the car?

What if the battery died on the road when I were on high velocity? What if the battery died on the parking lot when I were trying to go home? What if the battery died while I were driving on an empty street at the dead of the night?

Mom said that the same kitten was out there playing in the morning. Isn't it amazing how few hours really mean?

Everything happens for a reason. The dead kitten was a warning that I should change the battery. My car engine wouldn't start not because I got cursed. It was a gift from whatever force who wanted to tell me to change the car battery.

The dead kitten was my gold locket. And I was meant to be on that path.

dimanche, novembre 13, 2005

in-line skating review


Yayy!!

Today's been great! Below is the rollerblading review on today's (really rare) sports occasion.

:: Day / Date ::
Sunday, 13 November 2005
* Recommendation: Sunday, the faster lanes are closed (up until 09.00) for people to do sports, be careful with stupid and impatient drivers

:: Time ::
05.30 - 07.30 (120 mins)
* Recommendation: go before the sun rises, from 04.00 - 06.00, less cars

:: Gear & Costume ::
In-line Skates, Protective Gear, Torn Tee (white/cotton), Tight Adidas Pants (black/lycra), LP Shin Support (nude), Kipling Pouch Belt (black)
* Recommendation: do not shut the external world out by listening to iPods or Discmen. It is dangerous and you should keep all your senses awake. Bring at least a bottle of water and a towel. If you are too paranoid, bring a taser gun.

:: Terrain::
Menteng (home) - Sudirman - Thamrin / Hotel Indonesia Roundabout
*Recommendation: Thamrin / Hotel Indonesia Roundabout, better & flatter streets, cuter guys, Sudirman is a lot steeper with more cars

:: # of Falls ::
Once, 0% painful, 100% embarrassing
*Recommendation: protective gears are definitely a must

:: # of Cute Guys ::
Fifteen, most of whom are seen in Thamrin / Hotel Indonesia Roundabout (including some young policemen and security guards)
*Recommendation: Smile, flirt and look at their bulges

:: # of In-Line Skaters ::
Two, including Yours Truly

:: # of People Gawking ::
I've lost count
*Recommendation: Smile to everyone and wink to everyone worth flirting with.

vendredi, novembre 11, 2005

CD wishlist...


Where to start...

Okay, this week's been terrific. I'm up to a deal with this new great magazine, and umm... the account executive is cute. As in tall (185 something), with a great body (he works out). Not cute, he's just... manly. You know, the person who oozes sexuality?

Makes me want to sleep with him.

He kind of walked behind me and sometimes my shoulder (and back) would brush against his chest and that felt sooooo freakin good. I don't know why. I guess I'm just horny (hello? I'm 22! I'm constantly horny).

Anyway, yeah, this's been a pretty great week. I've been designing again (yay!) and the designs turned out okay.

And then there was another marketing person from another magazine and he's gay too. So we began chatting and he was a really nice person and I kind of opened up to him (you know, as in sister-to-sister?). Basically, he just advised me to get wild a bit, to destroy my inferiority complex.

And he invited me to this Halloween's party. I really want to dress as a nun, but I can't seem to find the outfit. And I'm confused.

Okay, I'm too tired to type away, so I'm going to cut it short. Here's my wishlist for the CD:

Toni Braxton - Madonna -
I'm sooo tired!!! I think I'm just gonna take a shower and go to bed. Oh, and it rained today! I love rain!
To those who've asked, I bought the rollerblades (see previous post) at Plaza Senayan in a store called Kettler or something, it's on level 3, right in front of QB Books.

mardi, novembre 08, 2005

going skating


I totally had no idea what possessed me.

I mean, I did vow that if I ever got a job near home (say in Kuningan or Sudirman or Thamrin area -> the areas that are commercially busy, the perfect place to be seen), I would rollerblade to work and back.

And then I got a job in Sudirman area and I forgot about this vow. Until one day (or night), I literally just thought, "Hey, I think I'm going to buy a pair of in-line skates" (without actually knowing what it would cost).


Nike In-Line Skates

And it cost me a fucking fortune. Okay, so not really a fortune, but enough to make me postpone my plan in buying the Dior cuff. The pair (plus the protective gear) cost me USD 190.

Okay, don't gawk, don't gasp. I've been practicing (again) and it's so fucking good to know that after a decade (I stopped blading when I got an accident when I was 12), I can still do that!

And I'm so going to take these blades out for a maiden voyage this Sunday morning before embarking on another mall-trip in the afternoon.

Now that I've got those Nike in-line skates, all I need are a pair of really skimpy pants to show off my legs (I'm going to hide my scar with leg suspender) and bien sur, MP3 player! That's IF I had an MP3 player, which I don't.

Anyway, this Saturday, I'm going shopping for the suspender and the skimpy shorts.

And no, I'm not going out to look for guys. I'm going out to do sports with my friends. I really need to flatten my tummy.

lundi, novembre 07, 2005

tell me why I don't like Mondays..


Too tired to type. Just gonna put up the lyrics of a song I've been listening to over and over again recently. It's by Tori Amos.


Tori Amos - Strange Little Girls

"I Don't Like Mondays"
~ performed by Tori Amos

the silicon chip inside her head
gets switched to overload
and nobody's gonna go to school today
she's going to make them stay at home


and daddy doesn't understand it
he always said she was good as gold
and he can see no reason'cause there are no reasons
what reason do you need to be shown

tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i don't like
i don't like mondays

tell me why
i don't like mondays
i want to shoot
the whole day down, down,
downshoot it all down
heeyeeaa
and the playing stopped in the playground now
she wants to play with her toys a while
and school's out early and soon we'll be learning
the lesson today is how to die

and then the bullhorn cackles
and the captain tackles
with the problems and the how's and why's
and he can see no reason
'cause there are no reasons
what reason do you need to die, die, ohhh
tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i don't like
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
tell me why
i don't like mondays
i don't like
i don't like
i don't like mondays
ooohmmm
i don't like mondays...no...

i wanna to shoot
the whole day down
whole day...whole day....the whole day down

vendredi, novembre 04, 2005

heart on a stick


We've finished the two-day-extravagant journey and we had a lot of fun and I even met a new friend! She's a friend of one of my best friends from church.

Anyway, I've put up the photos at my Yahoo! Photos page (hint: you can find my ID at my blogspot profile page). Look for the pictures under the title "Dufan" (that's the short for "Dunia Fantasi").

And when we were done, as usual, as the designated driver, I dropped off my friends at wherever's convenient to them.

Okay, so I actually have to tell a story. I have two friends from church. They're like my siblings. A girl, he's called L, and a boy named B (as in the crackers). We met during the confirmation class in 2001, in which I was the president of the class. Yay!

Anyway, B's gay and he's been on and off relationships. And he just found this really nice (and cute) guy and they've been doing really good. And I mean really, really good.

L's got a boyfriend (or two, or several, I don't know. Can you imagine that she's only 21 and she's a maniacal playgirl? Talk about toying with guys).

And this girl I talked about recently is Ls friend (or cousin?) her name is F. I think she's now going through a relationship with a guy who just turned out to be gay (watch out girls! Oh yeah, I so hate guys who're gutless to admit his sexuality. I'm bitter on this and I'm proud of it).

So we went to the Safari Garden place, L with her boyfriend (his name is R), B sending messages (and obviously happy) with his boyfriend, I don't really know about F, but I think she's feeling bitter about her relationship.

And then there was me.

Independent, self-absorbed, fresh from a wild sex adventure, nouveau-rich (with my own income. My dad's filthy rich but that's Dad's money. I did spend it a lot, though). Okay, I'm being a bitch again. I love being a bitch.

Where were we... oh yeah, I was typing about my qualities.

Yes, independent. Too independent, actually. You know, it's been a year since I got involved in a relationship and it's been too long that I've even forgotten how it felt.

And I did make stupid mistakes somewhere along the way (which probably caused the break-up, or more likely me getting dumped) and now that it's been a year, I've forgotten what went wrong!

So right now I'm scared to make a new relationship. I don't know where to start, I'm too lazy to start, but somewhere in there... I want to have a relationship.

I want to, but I don't know how.

And then it struck me...

B was very cynical about having relationships... And then he found the very guy. The perfect guy.

And you know what? I keep showing up jealousy, but I don't think it's real. I think it's more like a decoy, so they won't know that I'm really happy inside. I mean, I have a reputation to maintain (the cynical Feline).

You know what I feel inside?

I feel... glad. I really do. I mean, now I know that even true love exists for those who are the most cynical towards it.

And one more thing. When I was driving alone, a thought occured to me. Well, more like a prayer. I prayed and I hoped that nothing bad would happen to B's relationship. I mean, he was crushed, he was heart-broken, he was lost.

And now he's found his Mr. Right. And he's in love, they're in love, they're happy.

I prayed that nothing bad would happen to them and their relationship, because it would hurt B to death. And it would erase the last specs of hope that I am hanging on to with dear life.

The hope of finding true love.

Love, schlove. I'm out of here.

heart on a stick

The illustration is a simple illustration made with Adobe Illustrator CS2. It took me only about 3 minutes (bragging again). It's called "Heart on A Stick".

I don't know where I got that inspiration. I was going to post something about true love and I began looking for images like the sacred heart, golden heart, to frozen heart. I didn't find any image I see fit, so I decided to create one.

I hope you like it. Heart on a stick probably symbolizes me. Skinny as a stick, with a heart lollipop.

jeudi, novembre 03, 2005

one night of sex & a day of fun!


Okay, so last night, I just went to Djakarta Theatre (one of the coziest 21 theatres in Jakarta, too bad the services suck!), and I watched Chicken Little! Oh my God, that movie is just... soo inspiring.

Chicken Little


I watched it alone (one of my habits before I started working). And found it very adorable. Especially Abby. Okay, so whenever my inferiority complex starts to bug me, I always tell myself that I'm an ugly duckling who never grows up.

Which means, eternal fugliness (for those of you who aren't familiar with the term "fugly", it means "fucking ugly". Pretty neat, huh?)

Anyway, the movie itself is sooo heartwarming, and it's so nice.

And on that very day, I kind of made a date with a guy I've known since about a year or so. We've been going out (and having sex) since April 2005. But I met him for like only 4 times since he's a bartender and works in shifts and then I got this job and become very busy ever since.

So I met him last night. I'm going to describe him. He's tall, dark, and handsome. Not cute, handsome... as in masculinely handsome? Okay, so he's so my type and I find him sexually appealing. And we had sex.

The sex itself was awesome. I mean, okay, let's be frank. I love rough sex. I love being dominated and the whole being-raped simulation thing. I love it (I know it's not pervy, and I don't think being a masochist is a pervy thing to do).

Anyway, after the sex was over and he had left, I began to ponder about relationship(s) and me. I think it's going to be like oil and water, nitro and glycerine... we won't mix.

I don't think I'm ready for a relationship. For a steady one that is, because I'm still traumatized and I don't think I can ever be a good boyfriend. I mean, sure, I do want to have a boyfriend, but... I don't know. Probably someday.

There are too many things in this world that needs to be enjoyed. And I've been alone for too long that I've forgotten how it feels to have romantic conversations (not necessarily intelligent or cute), to want to buy a present for someone (a tie, or a shirt, or a nice jacket, or a fountain pen), to be hugged...

And the sex should be enjoyable too.

Yea, right... Hahaha... Probably next year.

OOH!! And you know what??? I just found the complete seasons 1-2-3 (*sorry, I meant season 1-2-3-4 and I bought just the fourth season and I'm still waiting for the other seasons* amended on Sunday, 13 November 2005) of STAR TREK VOYAGER!!! I'm so in love with Jeri Ryan / Seven of Nine!! I've been marathoning it like crazy!


Image hosted by Photobucket.com


I slept at 4.00 AM this morning and that means I only slept for 5 hours before going to an extreme fun extravagance at Indonesia's biggest theme park called Dunia Fantasi (Fantasi World) / Dufan.

And tomorrow, I'm going to embark on another sensational trip to Taman Safari (Safari Garden) over at the nearby mountain called Puncak (The Peak). The Safari Garden is kind of a zoo where you can pass with cars, hence the name "safari". And inside, there're also theme parks and circus.

Hey, wait a minute, don't circus and zoos mean cruelty to animals???

I'm gonna have to find out!

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