life is a cartoon show

Okay, so probably not...

But I have to admit that my life is indeed a mache of cartoon shows.

I am so in love with cartoons. I've adored Spongebob Squarepants long before it went and became a hit, I love Nickelodeon's runs of The Fairly Oddparents, Ren & Stimpy, Wild Thornberries, Aaah! Real Monsters, My Life As A Teenage Robot, The Simpsons, Angry Beavers, Cow & Chicken, I Am Weasel, Ed-Edd-and Eddy, you know, just the likes.

And at the same time, those cartoons really change me. I'm starting to make really cartoonish gestures (and some just labelled me as childish. and stupidly, I'm okay with it, hey, everyone's amazed to know that I'm 22).

So I'm just gonna talk about the three cartoon characters who really influence my life.



The first one is Squidward Tentacles from "Spongebob Squarepants". I don't know why, but my friends tell me that I'm so Squidward-ish, as in so cynical. I am so not cynical, I am a compassionate, affectionate person! (Okay, so Squidward also thinks of himself like that, right? Plus artsy. But still I don't think I'm *that* Squidward. I'm more of an eager mcbeaver Spongebob...)

The second one is Red Guy from Cartoon Network's "Cow & Chicken" and "I Am Weasel". This one is a really unique character. I can't even type anything here since I can't find a way to really describe him. He's just so weird and maniacal and he's pantless.

The third one is the ever adorable Lisa Simpson from "The Simpsons". The family is so much like my family, they're so different. Okay, so Dad doesn't drink beer and he's an accountant (and we're filthy rich). Mom doesn't dye his hair blue and we don't have twin aunts. But still, whenever I watch The Simpsons, I remember my family.

Lisa is a vegetarian (yay!) and a buddhist. She's wise beyond her years and although intelligent and rational, did evil and silly thing when she was in love (she was slapped out of it, figuratively speaking). She plays saxophone (I used to play piano, but not anymore). And she is the only character in The Simpsons without a catchphrase. All in all, she's just fabulous.

So, tonight's blogging is about cartoon characters who (kind of) represent my life.

walk in the park

All boy school.

I got six years of education at an all-boy-school. It's a catholic school and I enjoyed it. Got to know lots of guys and most of all, a really cute chick-guy called Pandu.

I'm posting his picture right here. Hehe... (I should've taken our pic together, right?)

He's got the most gorgeous nails (and eyebrows) that you'll ever see (in a guy). He's this witty, cynical, great-to-be-with-if-you-can-understand-him guy. Sort of like Garfield the Cat. But with poise and class. No, I'm not overrating him.

In short, he's my soulmate. Over the years, when I first got into junior high in 1994 until now. So it's been more than a decade. We got into the same senior high (still same-sex ed, no girls.. YAY!) and we got into the same university (University of Indonesia, the best there is in Indonesia, and NO, unlike many rich and brainless trash, we didn't pay our way in, we simply studied and with a bit of luck, we got in).

It's been... months since I met him but I just went home from watching A Sound of Thunder (boring *yawns*) with him last Friday and we went out again watching Jodie Foster's "Flightplan" (kind of cool, but not as supercool as "Panic Room").

And it was a fun experience. Two sissies, yes, we're fucking proud of being gorgeously feminine, cruising around and roaming around town, prodding every level of fashion violation and cursing at every bisexual.

Awesome night with an awesome friend.

Oh, and I just had a haircut. I'll post the picture later...

Ciao!

oh brother

Let me tell you about a little grudge of mine.

Well, not really a grudge. Just a slight of a... well, something.

I was born to a very mixed family. Mom was initially a moslem, and then she converted into a christian. She is now the most devout christian among us. Mom's family stays moslems and therefore we celebrate Eid Ul-Fitr (or something like that) and other big islamic holidays with Mom's side of the family (big family gathering with lots of exotic food). Mom's Sundanese-Palembang.

Dad's family is a christian. We're protestant. So that means each year we get to get a huge family gathering (since my dad has lots of siblings). Christmas is my favorite time of the year because I got to meet lots of my aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews. Granted, some are real pain in the ass (especially the little ones) but they're okay. Dad's Ambonese-Dutch.

Dad met Mom at the Faculty of Economics of University of Indonesia. The best Faculty of Economics there is in Indonesia (I'm saying it with a bit of cynicism since many of the graduates are real snob assholes - except Mom). Mom is from a city named Cirebon and Dad is from Bogor.

They met and then they got married after a while (I forgot the date of the wedding ceremony and everything), and after a year, my sister was born. She was born 10 years earlier ahead of me and 5 years earlier ahead of my big bro. She is now 32 years old, beautiful, independent, but has never been into a relationship. If you're interested, just contact me, okay? I'm not gonna be a pimp, but everynight I kind of pray for her (and Mom). Mostly about my sister getting a decent guy. She teaches English.

Now, I want to tell you about my brother. My bro is a very special person. I don't know the whole story, but it seemed like Mom got a tiny miscarriage and my brother was born physically normal, but mentally disabled.

I am not quite sure about the medical term, so I put it as in "autism" when it comes to people asking, since I don't know. But I don't think it's autism, and again, I'm not sure if it is. But it's a concept that most people know, just to keep them from asking too much since I don't know.

I know, "He's your brother! How can you not know?" I just dont... Sorry for that.

Anyway, he attended the special school for mentally disabled children. He graduated senior high school years ago and has been doing painting. He's been taking painting classes and everything and his painting is about abstract things.

He seems to know what the paintings are all about and he's very proud about each and every painting. Just the way I would be when I got a really high score on a math quiz.

I've decided to tell you the story about my special brother because he just turned 27 on 21 September 2005. (I bought him a painting set, my first salary).

To tell you the truth, I keep my affection inside the closet. I got strong connection with him. I remembered one time, when we would go to our villa in the mountain each week. Dad & Bro would go there first and Mom would pick me up at school and we would go there after. I was in the car, sleeping, Mom was driving, and suddenly I woke up and called my Bro's name (his name's "Audi"). Mom asked me whether I'd been sleep-talking and I said no.

I later found out that exactly at that time, my bro cut his finger.

When I was 12, I went on a homestay program in England. And then I got lost. I don't know why, but the first person who entered my thought when finally the bus I (finally) rode (finally) went through the streets I recognized - the first person was my bro and how I just cried thinking how I'd miss him.

And now I still keep my affection inside the closet.

I cherish my family. I am lucky to be born into this family. I am proud of my family, of the differences, of everything.

Of Dad trying so hard to accomodate us, working hard until we're this rich and he's still around to help us.

Of Mom's trying so hard to be the best for all of us, to motivate us, to help us learn that things weren't so good in their times and we must not take things for granted because now we have the chance that she didn't have.

Of my sister, her aloneness, and maybe her loneliness and still she survives independently.

And of course, of my brother, that because of him, I learn to respect all things in life, I learn the differences of people in life, I learn one of the greatest challenges in life. Whenever I look at him, it seems like he's somewhere out there, somewhere peaceful and serene. In a place where war and conflicts are alien. In a place where happiness roams freely and God's there.

If there's one thing I am proud of, it is surely my family.

R.I.P. Poussy Tuanakotta (September 1994 - 20 November 2004).

freaky future

You know what you know what you know what????

I just met this really nice lady! She's an editor from a famous Indonesian magazine. And... And oh my God.

I even forgot how it started. We were like chatting and laughing so happily and I didn't even feel awkward like with the media people I've met before.

You see, I deal with journalists. I invite them to come over to the hotel I work for and so they come over, do a bit of an interview with the people in charge (for example, if they want to do some news with our restaurants, they usually interview the chefs or the restaurant managers).

Well, I don't really invite them. I mean, I've a partner (a senior one) who does that, but I'm learning (fast... sheesh).

So, she was doing a coverage for our Ramadhan (and Tuna) promotion, right? And we were just chatting and laughing and out of the blue, I kind of offered her my hand so she can read my palm.

And then my partner offered her palm too and... all of a sudden, she just "read" us. I mean, she really "read" us. Our past experiences, our moods, everything.

And the final thing is, guess what she said? I was like, not really caring about having boyfriends, right? And she saw that right through me. She told me that I wasn't being serious and that I was prioritizing my work at the mean time.

BOY, THAT'S LIKE... SO F*ING TRUE!!! I mean, who in the world needs men?

Okay, umm... yeah, right. Well, anyway, the point is...

She "read" us! And she "read" me!!

I did stand in a conjuction, though. She said two things that divided my moods into two very different emotions. The first one is, "You'll get a boyfriend, but not right now, and probably not soon..."

Okay.

And then she said, "But don't worry. And when I say, 'don't worry', I mean it." And I was relieved again.

She later revealed that my future boyfriend would be a Catholic Javanese. Of course the guys at the office couldn't stop teasing me about it. So, any takers, anyone?

And there's this new cute guy in the sales office. But then again, he's married. DARN IT!

I mean, married guys (or even guys who like girls) are totally off limit.

Totally.

Over and out. I'm so sleepy. I went home late because I watched a friend of mine performing with his indie band. Well, I got there late because I was stuck with work. So I when I went to the venue where the band played, I missed the show. And I just got home like at 00.00...

I need to sleep.

Tale from the Toilet Booth

Have you ever had a day when everything was just shitty?

Well, literally *eewww!!*

Anyway, the day was very well and we had laughters and everything and I was not stressed out (I was working good and even finished the five page article thing... yay!)

And then it was at about 19.00 that I had a bowel movement. I mean, MAJOR bowel movement. I was telling myself, "No no, this can't be happening... can't you at least hold on a bit longer???"

But I couldn't... and ran to the toilet.

Now, I am an Indonesian, right? And in Indonesia, we use water to wipe ourselves down there. You know, to make it cleaner a lot. And I even use soap. But the toilet in the office's restroom doesn't even have water. Employees must use only the toilets for the employees. And the condition's pretty crappy.

So, after I was done with it, I looked at the tissue roller, right?

And you know what I saw?

Bloody hell... it was empty. THERE WAS NO FREAKING TISSUE!!!

How I seriously wish it were this way:

But it wasn't!!! I did find a bit of a tissue on the floor (which looked clean without any traces of icky things) and so I pathetically used it to clean myself. AND IT WAS SOO TINY!!!

So yeah, you know how the story ended... I didn't really wear my bikini briefs the right way. I sort of just let it all drop a bit so it didn't touch my hole. *sorry for the harsh language*

And thank God my boss said that my job was done and she told me to go home and take some rest. So I did. And the first thing I did was to.. check my e-mails and then went straight to shower after cleaning myself with quite a lot of water and soap. *And I thought I was an environmentalist... not when it comes to that, I guess...*

Just wanted to share you that. Haha...

Ciao.

sadness in September

Oh my freak. Work overload todee...

We don't have TV in the room, right? So I was working and going up and down (there's this hair show at the ballroom and I should go down there to watch and make press release out of it to be sent to the media). Anyway, suddenly a colleague just talked about an airplane crash.

And I was like, "What?"

ANOTHER TRAGEDY IN SEPTEMBER.

Two years ago, it was the JW Marriott bombing (also my hotel's competitor), a year ago, it was the Australian Embassy bombing. This one might be an accident and not an act of terrorism, but still...

The plane went crashing down on a neighbourhood. So not only did the accident kill all the passengers, it also killed the people down below because it crashed down on houses (and cars).

I always hate that.

There was also one time when I was yo... Wait, I AM STILL YOUNG*runs to the mirror to start making plans on botox-ing*

One time when I was still a little boy, an accident like this also occured. A plane crashed down on a housing complex.

Scary, huh?

I'm not into flying, actually. I did (do) want to be an astronaut, but I have a terrible fear of flying, height, math, physics, chemistry, go figure.

I'm sleeeeeeppppyy... Went to bed late last night... I mean this morning. Had a fun talk with a guy I like. Too bad he's short and younger. *that's a hint: I like my guys older and tall!*

Ciao.

to DIe fOR

Was just checking Dior.com and there's this new collection, it's called Dior Flight (I was murmuring something to the nice Dior salesgirl, "It's something like Dior Airport or Dior Baggage or something!" that is so brainless). It's so cute! But then again, Dior Golf didn't make it here (dang!). It made to Malaysia but I was too late. I'm not into traveling, so it was a one chance when Dad got to go to Kuala Lumpur (KL) and the rest of us sort of tagged along.

KL is NOT a shopping destination. I'd rather go shopping in Jakarta. If you want to go shopping, go to St. Tropez. The whole city is a bazaar. Just make sure you get there before the siesta.

That's the cuff. I want that cuff. I'm gonna blow my whole salary on that cuff. *cursing fervently*

driving...

That black Vios in the middle of the night... Speeding and cutting through cars, changing lanes.

Was I lamely unbeatable or simply because everyone was enjoying the night with their loved one on the passenger seat?

The Saturday night fever. It's not really the clubbing fever that I'm afraid of. It's more like the being-lonely-fever.

Just got back from watching Red Eye. Thought it was amazing. Simply amazing. Okay, so I'm probably being too subjective. But hey, a movie is a manifestation of art, right? And appreciating art is a highly subjective thing. I just love Rachel McAdams. And Cillian Murphy is just one of the very few young actors whom I adore and respect (I don't normally adore young males).

Feeling too cheesy to write you the synopsis / review, so just go and watch it, okay?

It's a lot of fun, really. And I watched it with my friends from church (I met them during my confirmation class - am a protestant). We've been together since 2001 and we still are. Well, we were once a big class and now there's only like three of us who're still together.

So I did the usual stuff like everyone when he gets his first paycheck (yay!)... the food was on me, the movie was on me, the parking ticket was on me and all of a sudden a sharp pang of panic grasped me... I don't think I'm gonna make it for the whole month (gasp).

Joking.

Anyway, we went to Plaza Senayan first. I was looking for a new pair of serious looking glasses and ended up buying a pair of Levi's (I hate Levi Strauss jeans, but the glasses are okay). The people of Optik Tunggal are so very nice. While the people of Optik Seis are a bunch of pigs who don't know that the retail industry is also a hospitality industry: you have to serve your clients!

Gonna post the new glasses (just the glasses? I thought you were going to do the shameless self promotion thing in order to get a boyfriend) later.

I didn't get the thing I really need, though (an organizer, where I can put my business card and my clients' business cards with some papers that I can write on and just look professional... ooh... a corporate biyotch). Gotta start looking for it umm... this morning. Yeah, gonna go shopping again. *kissing paycheck*

And there was the trailer of this movie by Tim Burton (it's gonna be huge!! HUGE I TELL YOU!!) and it's called Corpse Bride.

I was soooo awestruck with Burton's Nightmare Before Christmas. It was just a masterpiece. And he always teams up with that genius Danny Elfman. Okay, I admit, so Elfman's scores sound kind of the same. You can tell that it's Elfman (in a noncreative way) when you listen to scores from Charlie & The Chocolate Factory, Batman Returns, and Nightmare Before Christmas. But I don't mind.

So anyway, after I dropped off my friends at their homes (or at least close to their homes), I drove home, only to split-secondly change my mind and drive away, circling the business districts (Sudirman and Thamrin) for a while. Cruising and speeding... Just like I told you in the first paragraph: the black Vios. That's me. Driving like a drunken idiot when the only things I drank were a bottle of mineral water, a glass of lemonade, and a glass of tea.

I just love speeding. And it was then that I realized that I was alone. And lonely... I used to say, "Oh, I'm too busy to have a boyfriend," or, "I can have a boyfriend anytime I like!"

Well, it's true that I'm not really looking for anyone. It's just that I don't know where to start. I do have an account at Gaydar and Fridae, but the people who sent me messages (and hearts) were travelling expatriates. Ugh... no offence to expats, but I am quite a sticky rice and I sure don't want my man to be traveling all the time.

I need to settle down.

I mean, like hey, I have a great life: a good job, sufficient salary, helluva family, hearthy home, a body to die for with a pair of legs to match (in case you didn't know, I'm gay and girls just envy my body)... And what, I don't have a boyfriend?

Is it because of my hair? Is it because of my nose? My cheeks? Is it because I intimidate? Is it because I'm too feminine? Whoa wait, then again:

I'd rather stay single and be a sissy
than have boyfriends and be something I'm not.

Anyway, I've Heidi to accompany me. She sleeps on my desktop monitor. Thank God she doesn't sleep on my Acer Ferrari.

Laterz. I need to shower! Been eating like a boar today...

mood swings...

Yeah! Things change instantly.

Okay, so probably not things, but moods.

I dastardly dove into shallow water on September 1st that I went and hit my head and suffered breakdowns (not literally). I was strumming and humming songs from Alanis Morissette's "Mary Jane" to Alex Parks's "Cry"... I know, I know. Life was a bit sad.

And you know what I did, right? I slept on it all. I slept off it all, to be exact. Wait, that doesn't even sound gramatically right. Well, anyway.

And then I got into this transitional phase since I obviously slept too much that I began losing hold on the reality and I thought that the shitty day of September 1st was just a dream.

Of course that's not a good thing. What if I suddenly went on a real homicidal rampant and slept it all off and claimed it was all a dream? (Okay, not like that would happen or anything).

My God, I love this song...

"GOLDEN"

[Intro:]
Heyyy, Ohh, Heyyy, Yeah, Ohh, Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeahhhh

[Verse 1]
I'm taking my freedom,
Pulling it off the shelf,
Putting it on my chain,
Wear it around my neck,

I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my car,
Wherever I choose to go,
It will take me far,

[Chorus]
I'm livin' my life like it's golden
Livin' my life like it's golden, (3x)

Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,
Livin' my life like it's golden, (4x)
Livin' my life like it's golden, golden,

[Verse 2]
I'm taking my own freedom
Putting it in my song,
Singing loud and strong,
Grooving all day long,

I'm taking my freedom,
Putting it in my stroll,
I'll be high-steppin' y'all,
Letting the joy unfold,

[Chorus]

I'm holding on to my freedom,
Can't take it from me,
I was born into it,
It comes naturally,

I'm strumming my own freedom,
Playing the god in me,
Representing His glory,
Hope He's proud of me,

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
I'm living my life like its golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, golden, (2x)

[Chorus]

[Jill Scott:]
Livin' my life like it's golden,
It really matters to me, Ohhh

[Bridge (5x)]

Fur is NOT Fashion!

I wear leather because I eat beef. I don't wear fur since I don't eat minxes or chinchillas or even dogs and cats (yes, bear in mind that the guys over in China eat anything and I do mean ANYTHING - you've heard about SARS, right? Go figure - and China is the largest fur exporting country in the world, so you may claim that you love cats but you're wearing fur that might just come from cats).

And I suppose that's a good justification. I know it's kind of cruel. If you've seen the movie War of The Worlds (I hate Tom Cruise but the movie's okay), you'll get to know how it'd feel to be a calf or a cow waiting to be slaughtered.

You'd feel that fright. Extreme fright, knowing that the end is near. And if you haven't prepared yourself and your soul, you're gonna pee and even poop in your pants.

But these animals, they're so ready to be butchered. Yes they feel scared, but they've prepared their souls.

I guess it's true that all cows (and all animals) go to heaven.

And I'm writing this as if I were a vegetarian.

I own Dior things. Some of them are made from leather. And I do travel on this guilt lane of inner-confrontations and intercontradiction.

I have nine cats at home and I am a self-confessed animal lover.

So why do I eat meat?

I eat meat because I need the nutrition (I don't eat at KFC's or Wendy's anymore, knowing that those franchises are psyhopathic when it comes to dealing with animals). I was once a vegetarian and I lost 5 kg in one month. I'm already skinny so I don't think I want to be skinnier.

So anyway, I'm in the middle of this... big dilemma when I eat meat and wearing leather since I want to be a vegetarian but I can't. Or probably I need to consult to a nutritionist first so I can be a vegetarian and not lose weight.

But when all's done, what'll ever happen to my Dior stuffs? Okay okay, so the whole point is probably prestige and self-pity. *kicks own ass*

The above picture is of John Galliano. He's the designer of Dior (if you don't know). He's like... so far away there in Europe where it has winter.

Now the disturbing fact is, people in Indonesia (my country) have been adopting fur as their way of dressing. That bitchy Oscar Lawalata for example. I once held the highest respect on him, and then I saw a review of his fashion show. He used fur.

And then that... chief editor (or owner) of Harper's Bazaar Indonesia. I forgot who the brainless ho's name. She wore fur with Stella McCartney (obviously she was not aware that Stella McCartney is one of the biggest antifur fashion activists). Hah! And that chief editor / owner claims herself a fashionista / trend setter.

GO TO F*CKING HELL, BIYOTCH!

Oh, and she suggested the name "socialista" instead of "socialite" in the magazine since someone actually uses the name "socialite" for his/her boutique. My God, and I thought I was dumb.

I'm just so... terribly annoyed by the fact that Indonesians living in Indonesia with the coldest temperature being only 14 degree celcius (in air-conditioned rooms in Jakarta, the biggest, most modern commercial city in Indonesia and the capital city of Indonesia) or 14 degree celcius in the mountains FEEL THE NEED TO ADD AND WEAR FUR IN THE FASHION TREND.

Seriously, I love fashion, I love fashion shows. And as long as I am there, there shall be no fur in the fashion shows at my hotel.

Ever.

single again?

Okay, so actually the title doesn't really fit, since I have been single for over a year now with a completely sexless life since... Oh wait, no no, I did have one night of debauchery like 3 months ago with someone when my parents were away. Just thinking about it makes me wet again.

Possibly one of the greatest sex I've ever had. Hope it's not gonna be my last.

Anyway, I still can't sleep, I haven't eaten, haven't taken a bath, haven't planned anything with my life for this Friday (I'm a planner... I do live spontaneously, but when it comes to money and driving and other things like career and love, I plan!)... Have you watched that movie, umm... well, THOSE movies, actually. The first one is Practical Magic and the second one is Life or Something Like It (FYI, I love movies of those types, except if it's hugely popular like J. Lo or something or too teen-chick-flickish like Amanda Bynes's What A Girl Wants).

Well, in those two movies, the main characters (Sandra Bullock's in Practical Magic and Angelina Jolie's in Life) both had a turning point in ther lives. Bullock's character's was when her husband died and Jolie's was when she realized that she was going to die.

And do you know what they did?

They both didn't do the things they usually do. Like, Bullock's character stayed in bed all day when she was usually active and Jolie's ate pizza when she had a strict diet.

And they both didn't take a shower.

So I guess, I'm gonna go their way. To hell with those who say that it's only a movie.

Oh yeah, and about my being single. Hmm... I don't think I'm gonna write it right now since I'm sooo sleepy and hungry. I think I'm gonna go clean up a few things and eat and then go to bed.

The painting's by Avigail Yoresh, it's called "Lonely With A Cat". It really describes me. I get lonely now and then, but my cats are always there to accompany me... Well, most of the times when they're not away having fun.

Click here for more info on the painting.

trouble at work

Okay, so this is my first entry, and already it is about some problems in the office. Well, guess what? I did have a pretty nice blog and I deleted it because when I went home, I didn't really feel like writing a happy journal. I write journals when I'm sad (and lonely) anyway. Like when I was in France for homestay, I wrote things in my diary like crazy since I didn't really have anything else to do. No no, I am not a loner. I had lots of friends there and I actually did lots of things, but I had more spare times that I usually have in my hometown (Jakarta), so I wrote.

And I've side-tripped from my original plan on opening this blog.

Yeah! Trouble at work!

You see, I work for this big five star diamond hotel (we earned that diamond thing, we didn't buy that diamond thing, unlike many other hotels), in the communications department.

In my job, I am expected to be able to do multiple things: designing, writing press releases, building and maintaining relationships with the press, and photography.

The salary's good (which is too much for me since I feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile). And the things I did have been... quite shitty. I mean, I am kind of good in writing press releases and doing some crappy designing stuffs, and today's been well over a month since my first day, and I just got this assignment to take photos of the upper level managers.

Guess what? I did take photos, but those photos were... sooooo bad that my boss went beserk on me.

Can't blame her though. I mean, my superior (who is also more superior in handling the SLR digital camera) instructed me to use this speed with this aperture and all that schnitzits. So I did. And the outcome was darn too bright photos. And we had to retouch the whole stuff.

And I also can't blame my superior because he was trying to help and I was too daft to actually try to be proactive and fix the goddamn aperture / speed thing. I did do it in the end (the last two persons I took was quite okay and my boss said that one of them was good, which did nothing to my feeling blue because she was obviously mad at me and disappointed at my job. UGH!)

So here I am, at 02.23 in the morning, have been mercilessly trying to crack the code of blogspot (been done nicely, I guess) and I'm finally able to type away my grudge.

Oh oh, and the shitzy thing is, you know, I just got my first salary, right? And I was ready to spend it because today's a public holiday (islamic holiday called Isra Mi'raj, don't really know what it is about). I was sooo ready to spend it but then my mood is completely ruined.

I can't go on a shopping spree on a (large) sum of money from my so-called salary because I don't think I'm worth it (since I did a crappy job).

So I'm gonna wait till Saturday (yes, this darned hotel makes the employees go to work on Saturdays! But only half day), to see whether the mood and emotion of my boss (which will also affect my mood and emotion) have changed. And I mean positively. I hope that all's forgiven and I'm ready to dazzle them with my talent.

Wait, WHAT TALENT?

Oh well, I'm gonna need some wine so I can sleep peacefully sans nightmare.

Ciao.